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5 Questions and Answers – Interview Time December 15, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee, Interviewer.
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16 comments

Now, my last post was interested in getting you to start thinking about placements in a positive light or if you can do that, to convince you to part with your wealth in the blog’s name.

 

Considering that the latter did not happen (I would have known, had I made any money over this blog) I am assuming that you have begun viewing the placement in some bright manner, hitherto unknown to mankind.

 

That got me thinking and I thought I have got enough time to spare from my daily activities of sucking dry the professionals at HR departments at Corporate (I am looking out for a job too). Which is exactly why, I should give you some of my time and help you prepare for the interview. It does not matter, if you are an interviewer or an interviewee. I got both questions and answers for you, after all!

 

(Please note that the following Q & A have been created without the knowledge of the job on offer. Thus, the following question list is  without any technical questions that you can ask and there is no question that would really help you judge the ability of the candidate for the job. In short, the following are HR questions.)

Q. 1 : Well, if you are the interviewer, then before going on to the first question, I think it will only be polite for you, to exchange pleasantries with the interviewee. I know that you are on a higher position and this man/woman sitting in front of you is desperate for a job, but none of that means that you stop following basic etiquettes of meeting new people.

 

Now that you have done that:

 

Q. 1. Tell us something about yourself.

A. 1.   I am (insert name) and I am a student of (insert name) college. I cut a sorry figure in my class every time I try to communicate, considering I did my schooling in a pathetic English medium school and that has left a scar on my confidence to last me a lifetime. I went on to complete my ‘plus 2’ (Yeah, we in Mumbai call it ‘JC’) in (insert name) college. It was a great college with a steady supply of weed coming in and those two years got me hooked to some great stuff. I stay at (insert name) with my parents and an older sibling. My father is unemployed and would presently be lying drunk in the house and my mother is a housewife. My big brother is presently working in your organisation.

 

Q.2. (If you decide to go on) Why should we be interested in you? Alternatively, what can you bring to (Insert Name of Organisation)?

A. 2. I have the zing to be creative and would be excited to bend rules in the most creative manner. I possess great flexibility and I believe that there is always some room for improvement. Thus, you can be assured that I will show you no spine and bend over to get the screwing of my life, every time you make a pathetic mistake and plan to blame it on me. The organisation has been in the news recently for all kind of misdeeds and a lot of management has been sacked. I believe that leaves room in the organisation for injection of new blood, and I assure you that in me you will get an able sucker to substitute them.

 

Q. 3. Tell us something about your short term plans and long term plans. Alternatively, where do you see yourself in 2 years time and 5 years time?

A. 3. Well, that vision would well depend on the result of this interview. If you were to not offer this one, then I would still be searching for a job in the next two years and settle for any crap in the next 5 years. However, if I were to continue to keep a positive outlook, then I would like to believe that in the next two years I would manage to fraud this company into believing in my abilities and in the next five, I would manage to fraud this company money-wise, by going up the ranks.

 

Q. 4. Why would you be interested in working with the Organisation? Alternatively, what role do you think would (Insert name of Organisation) play in furthering your career?

A. 4. To begin with, I would have  a career to look forward to, if I get to work with you. I have been searching for a job since sometime now, I haven’t managed anything. In normal circumstances, I would not bother applying with you. However, these are desperate times and beggars can really not be choosers.

Q. 5. Would you live to ask us any questions? (Aah, well!)

A. 5.  Are there any chicks in your organisation that wouldn’t mind having fun with a loser like me?

(If you are a girl) Would I need to do anything else to land this job?

 

Note: The questions that I have noted down for the interviewer in you, have been the general HR questions that I have faced in some previous ones. The answers are some of the ones that the ones that landed the job gave. I plan to try them out, so should you!

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5 Reasons to take an Interview – For an Interviewer September 26, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewer.
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2 comments

It is been a long time since I made my last post to this world. Most of you might be rejoicing, but that is not something that I wish to get into. For I have decided to not abuse on this site. I might follow you on twitter instead, and make your life hell. But that is for twitter, another place another time.

It has been an even longer time since I gave you 5 reasons on anything or have talked about interviews. When the last time I met you with 5 reasons, I was talking to the interviewee in you. Then, I thought I had to leave out quite a few of you, since you had already given interviews and now wanted to know why you should take one. So, this time I have come to talk to you. The ones who could be giving me a job in future.

So here they are, 5 reasons to take an interview:

Reason 1: You are a sadist. You like to watch girls cry, boys sweat and pretty girls giggle nervously. If you are the kind of person who sticks to pessimists for the doom they predict, and have an affinity for disasters, then you are exactly the person to make the interview a dramatic affair. Of course, you like drama of the calamity kind. For, you are a sadist.

Reasons 2: Interviews can do wonders for your confidence. Most of the interviewees will never know as much about your FMCG company as you do, about how you distribute and how you collect revenues. They could be MBAs, and they would still know lesser than you. No, how should it matter that you have been stuck in the same job and same position for the last 17 years. You did a Bachelors in Commerce, and they are MBAs. And you still know more than them. Isn’t that all that matters?

Reason 3: You are a masochist. No, not of the sexual kind, but the non sexual kind. You derive your gratification from being abused. The interviewee might really be an idiot that you think you are. But that man or woman would always think other wise. You are going to be abused, mocked and even vowed against, but you derive pleasure from all that.

Reason 4: The lady in the Human Resources Department is really pretty. And the only time you see her is during the process of recruiting.

Reason 5: Well, do you have a better way of finding out the right candidate to tolerate your temperament, your attitude, and of course the work at the organization? Well, you surely don’t.