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3 Changes in Life – Or Why my mum is a worried woman July 13, 2013

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Featured, Humor Rant, JAR-gon.
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You need a certain amount of passion, a good laptop and a lot of time to maintain a blog regularly and post every now and then. But then, I don’t have all of that. Definitely not a good laptop (Rajesh from IT, sun raha hai na tu, ro raha hun mein!). But then, I read @ofnosurnamefame and I was so floored by it, that I decided that I should be back on this page and write something.

So what has changed for me in the last 11 months? Now, that I put it up here, I realize how much I have missed writing. And while this is not an attempt to write the best comeback post, it is only an attempt to get my mojo flowing again. Yeah baby, I just wanted to use an Austin Powers, and look I have used three. Two, you point out? Oh baby, Behave!

So what has changed for me in the last 11 months?

  1. Well, for one, I didn’t write on this page. I attempted to revive All Padded Up,with a bunch of friends and all of the king’s men couldn’t put up Humpty Dumpty together again.

  2. Friends have moved on with their lives. Trying to find better jobs, better opportunities, to study or simply on their way. My job, you ask, well it couldn’t have been better. Well, it could be. It could be paying more, giving more time off, but then to tell you the truth, I love every bit of it and I wouldn’t want to exchange it for anything.

  3. Fell in love. Crazy about that somebody and excited about the possibilities that this relationship might bring. My mum is sensing changes (improvements as most women in my life would want to term it – women = mum and her) and she is worried as to what is making these changes happen. I think I will let her be worried a little more.

Well, frankly, that’s all that is to me. What about you? Let me know. Or not. I am just trying to get my mojo back, yeah baby, behave!

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That Ian Bell Run Out! August 1, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant.
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I had decided that I wasn’t going to write on cricket here. Something on the lines of a retirement from writing on cricket or as some would say I was banned from it. But like a Pakistani cricketer, I have decided to come out of retirement for this issue of a freak run out makes me want to add my two cents to this issue! (Yeah, that two cents is a part of a homage to one of my favorite writer.)

 

Ian Bell was clearly out there, wasn’t he? He was out of his crease when the bails were taken off, the ball was still in play and Morgan knew about it. Hell, the umpires gave him out and I am sure they know the rules and hence the dismissal must have been within the rules of the game.

 

What for me isn’t within the rules of the game, and not even in the ill cited and often chided “Spirit of the Game”, was the way Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower walked up to MS Dhoni and Duncan Fletcher asking for reconsideration to the appeal. I am not sure what transpired within those walls, but I think that surely was disrespect to the game. The umpires are there for a job, they did their job and the captain and coach of the English team felt they were not good enough at it. They decided that it was necessary for them to walk up to the opposition captain because the umpire out there was a fool who gave Bell the dismissal. Well, that is at least how I read it.

 

The papers have been going on and on about the overturning the Bell dismissal and how ICC has appreciated Dhoni on his upholding the spirit of the game. Dear ICC, what about upholding the rules of the game?

 

The dismissal was within the rules of the game. So why over turn it? Because the opposition team decides it is time for good gestures and because they wouldn’t have felt great about being in Bell’s position. Frankly, had an Indian player decided to leave his crease when the ball was still in play, it should mean that he was stupid and sloppy enough to lead himself to a lazy dismissal after 137 runs.

 

Considering that ICC rules that fine players are applicable to only Indian (and SL and Pak) players, I would ask ICC to fine MSD for showing dissent to the umpire by asking an umpire’s decision to be overturned there! Such behaviour from MSD should not be tolerated. Today, he has decided to over turn Bell’s dismissal, tomorrow he is going to ask for only more. We can not let this bloody rich Indian cpatains and boys over turn an umpire’s call. Strauss and Flower are only fools, the real culprit is this rich Indian village boy, trying to rule this game under the cloak of its  “Spirit”.

 

Dear ICC, ban MSD for a match.

Of Baba and Anna – A Story of Fast Blackmails! June 19, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Serious Rant.
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Now, they were protesting for different reasons and their following (on twitter, at the very least) was different, but their means to blackmail a government which is immune to all people’s suffering was the same. The Indefinite Fast.

There are people in India who go hungry for weeks on end. Not because of choice, not because they are protesting against any government body, but simply because they have no food to eat. The number of malnourished children in India is higher than in Sub – Saharan Africa and if that isn’t telling you anything, than may be some figures would – One in Every Three Malnourished Children in the World is in India. More than 46% of children in India below the age of three are too small for their age. And mind you, this isn’t  a statistic of shining India. It is a statistic of government apathy towards a country that has shown every zeal to progress.

So, what is it about the Babas and Annas of this country, whose indefinite fasts wake up the government, while years of malnourished children do not have the same effect?

The Babas and Annas of this country are good at blackmailing the government. I hope while reading this piece, you are not under any illusion that I support the government. My statements on government apathy above, I hope, have cleared any such illusions.

The Babas and Annas are followed by millions of morons in this country. If you were to open your timelines on Twitter on the morning after the Baba was arrested, or the day Anna went on his fast, you would get an inkling of what I am talking about. And when I say twitter, I am talking about very few, privileged and educated portion of the society and country we live in. And if these the Babas and Annas have the effect on these few, imagine the impact they have on the herd conscious, seldom educated, poor of this country!

This is why the Government wakes up when these well fed, well nourished Babas and Annas go on Fasts. Because they are millions of morons following their histronics. This is why the Government does not wake up to Malnourishment in India, because there is not even one to report on their  plight.

The fault is ours, and ours alone. We give in to blackmail and we forget to look at the light. And this light, at the end of the tunnel is not of a bright future, but of a train running at full speed coming towards us to crush us of all senses, of all future!

5 Reasons why Hillary Clinton gasped in horror on Osama’s Death May 9, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant.
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Hillary Clinton’s reaction on hearing news of Osama’s Death has created quite a furore. Of course, we make this judgement based on the number of hits, her reaction generates on Google, because that is how we measure news these days.

So, why did she? Why did she react in the following manner?

As has been  my wont, I will list down 5 reasons on why.

5. Is he really dead? That is sad to hear. I wanted to be his next trophy wife. Why Seals, why did you do it?

4. I wanted to hear the truth. But I can’t handle the truth. Yes, Kaffee, he was right.

3. No Bill, I am not going to take that in my mouth. You could get Monica to do that. You can get ‘n’ number of girls to do that for you. But I am not doing it.

2. How in the world are we going to sustain Pakistan now? That failed state, it needs our taxpayers’ money to sustain life there!

1. OMG! So, it is true. These niggas do have big ones. And come to think of it, I tried to contest against this man for the presidency. Had I only known then!

 

(Disclaimer: Work of Fiction. Do not attach any hatred or political motivation to this post, if you are not a moron)

Osama found Dead – For Sachin May 2, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant, Humor Rant, Serious Rant.
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On Sunday, May 1, Osama Bin Laden was found dead in the evening. At least, that is what the reports coming in have confirmed. It is noteworthy that President Obama thanked Sachin Tendulkar in his speech while reporting the death to US of America.

Barack Obama delivers speech on Dead Osama

[Link unavailable] [Excerpts from Speech]

“We did it for Sachin. Just like the Indian team won the World Cup for him, we killed Osama Bin Laden for Sachin. Yes, we can!”

“It is a proud moment for all of us. We have finally managed to do something for Sachin. He has carried the burden of a billion living people on his shoulder. Now, it was time for us to stop carrying burden of killing a billion people and carrying them on our shoulders. The one man that made us to do that, we have killed him. No, not Sachin, I meant Osama there in the last sentence.”

“Osama was found dead in Pakistan. It is imperative to note that India have agreed in principle to tour that terror torn nation. And Sachin would be a part of that touring party.”

“We could not let Sachin go through the terror of playing in a country which hosted Osama. As we can not exert any force on BCCI and their decision making in cricket, hell nobody can, we decided to do the next best thing. We removed the threat. We killed Osama.”

“Yes, We Can. Yes, We Did. We Killed Osama. For Sachin”

The world has now taken a collective sigh of relief. All, they have managed to say is

Thank You Sachin

(Disclaimer: The words in the post above are completely my own and any occurrence of the said words by Barack himself, would be an infringement on copyright. That is, Barack never said it before me.)

5 Guaranteed Ways to Perform Well – For an Interviewee January 16, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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If you are going for an interview or have been to one, you know the anxiety that one suffers from. The anxiety to know if one has performed well or not. Or the anxiety to know the guaranteed ways by which one will make the right impressions or not.

I know that anxiety. Well, I have been to quite a few interviews in my lifetime. Yeah, I know, you could ask me how many interviews would a 22 year old really have given in his ‘lifetime’. Well, I think it would suffice to say that I have been to interviews for everything, even for getting a girlfriend. Well, those blind dating sites get you to fill a questionnaire.

That is the reason I have got you 5 ways to make a guaranteed good impression and perform well in an interview. (If you have already given one, put a check mark against the ways that you have used. Any score of above 3, means the result is on your favor.)

5. Suck up to the maximum. “I am desperate for a job.” “Since, I was 3, I used to dream to work for your company, never mind the fact that I used to shit in my pants. On second thoughts, you would want me to still shit in my pants” are statements that could work wonders for your interview. Ensure that when you are sucking up to the interviewer, it is obvious to him / her. They might just be idiots, they don’t know it, and they would not even understand that you are sucking up to them.

4. Use figures. Mug them up, or make them up. Or a mix of both. “There is going to be a demand of 24 million homes, by… ahem…. 2014”

3. Decide if you want to come across as a rich son of a bitch or a poor son of a beggar. Any thing in between is a no-no. They should either want to marry you or pity you. Well, it is actually the same. Getting people to marry you is easier then getting their pity, so you should have made up your mind on this one.

2. Use names of the interviewer’s daughter, son or spouse in the conversation. Remember, to name their schools and social circles too. The man / lady should know that you have researched a fair bit on them. Of course, you could hint that you could pick up their kids from school, even without their permission.

1. If it is a lady taking the interview, stare at the horizon, where her body meets the table. chest. If it is a man, look under the table. Never mind, if you are  a boy or girl. The important thing for them to know is that you would appreciate a boss, no matter what!

staring at interviewer

 

You would do well, to use my advice or use it as a check list. Well, I should know. I recently (and finally) got placed!

5 Changes in Life – Post a Failed Interview December 26, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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Once your interview is done with, you might want to heave a sigh of relief. After all, aren’t those 5 questions and answers all that has got to do with an interview?

Why Does one fail an Interview
Sadly, that is not the truth. If you were to succeed in the interview, that is, land a job, your life has practically ended and there is nothing much that any of us could do to revive it.

 

However, if you are one of the few lucky ones, who failed the interview then there is something that you can look forward to. And those are the changes in your life post a failed a interview. As has been my wont, I will list down 5.

 

5. Everybody is sympathetic with you. You will regularly get words like “Don’t worry. It will work out. It always does.” from your family members and friends. Now, they mean it. And they care for you. It is just that they now get a chance to express it. But how should you react to that? Well, if you had any self – respect, you would feel pathetic. Alas, that is not the case and we both know it. So, you can bask in the sympathy – post a failed interview.

4. You start looking for more jobs through your friends and on the internet. It is a definite ‘move on’ from searching for porn sites on the internet to searching for company websites. And it is probably a good move on.

3. Facebook takes a back seat and LinkedIn becomes of paramount importance.

2. Your attitude goes for a toss, and you become humble. Isn’t humility one of the most over-hyped virtues? Well, that is the good thing about failing an interview. You suddenly start possessing such virtues.

1. You pay attention to your ‘supposed’ humor blog on WordPress

 

Disclaimer: Kindly note that while I have been repeatedly mentioning that I write these posts from personal experience, I wish to emphasize that the above one is just a piece of fiction and my wild imagination. I mean I would never follow Option numbered 4.

10 Things I did not tell you at Sunset December 17, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Featured, JAR-gon.
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Alright now, we might be moving away a bit from the usual rant that you see on this site. But then I write on this site for myself really, you presence here is purely coincidental. Don’t believe me, read this. This is for you, for I am sending you the link in a mail too. Pity, you are the one of those few non-morons who do not read this site regularly, and I would need to inform you.

Sunset at Juhu Beach

Yes, this is the sunset I am talking about. This is the sunset where I should have spoken a little less. Or a little more. For there were so many things that I never told you.

10. It is really important for me to know that you are happy with me, that you are alone with me. It is really important for me that you tell me you are. No, I can not understand, but you can. Understand my need to be told.

9. I am happy.

8. I never thought that a normal walk along the beach with you could mean finding a way to peace of mind.

7. I never thought that a normal walk along the beach with you could mean developing an attitude to be able to find solutions for my issues. The ones that you know of.

6. I have fallen for you.

5. I did not know that apples could actually taste worth having.

4. I really did not know that it was sunset time, but I am glad it did. For that redness of the sun does something to your face that makes it surreal.

3. I really did not know you had the stamina to walk so much.

2. I really need to pee.

1. I am glad we met before my exams. At least, there was one day worth spending in this trimester.

5 Questions and Answers – Interview Time December 15, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee, Interviewer.
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Now, my last post was interested in getting you to start thinking about placements in a positive light or if you can do that, to convince you to part with your wealth in the blog’s name.

 

Considering that the latter did not happen (I would have known, had I made any money over this blog) I am assuming that you have begun viewing the placement in some bright manner, hitherto unknown to mankind.

 

That got me thinking and I thought I have got enough time to spare from my daily activities of sucking dry the professionals at HR departments at Corporate (I am looking out for a job too). Which is exactly why, I should give you some of my time and help you prepare for the interview. It does not matter, if you are an interviewer or an interviewee. I got both questions and answers for you, after all!

 

(Please note that the following Q & A have been created without the knowledge of the job on offer. Thus, the following question list is  without any technical questions that you can ask and there is no question that would really help you judge the ability of the candidate for the job. In short, the following are HR questions.)

Q. 1 : Well, if you are the interviewer, then before going on to the first question, I think it will only be polite for you, to exchange pleasantries with the interviewee. I know that you are on a higher position and this man/woman sitting in front of you is desperate for a job, but none of that means that you stop following basic etiquettes of meeting new people.

 

Now that you have done that:

 

Q. 1. Tell us something about yourself.

A. 1.   I am (insert name) and I am a student of (insert name) college. I cut a sorry figure in my class every time I try to communicate, considering I did my schooling in a pathetic English medium school and that has left a scar on my confidence to last me a lifetime. I went on to complete my ‘plus 2’ (Yeah, we in Mumbai call it ‘JC’) in (insert name) college. It was a great college with a steady supply of weed coming in and those two years got me hooked to some great stuff. I stay at (insert name) with my parents and an older sibling. My father is unemployed and would presently be lying drunk in the house and my mother is a housewife. My big brother is presently working in your organisation.

 

Q.2. (If you decide to go on) Why should we be interested in you? Alternatively, what can you bring to (Insert Name of Organisation)?

A. 2. I have the zing to be creative and would be excited to bend rules in the most creative manner. I possess great flexibility and I believe that there is always some room for improvement. Thus, you can be assured that I will show you no spine and bend over to get the screwing of my life, every time you make a pathetic mistake and plan to blame it on me. The organisation has been in the news recently for all kind of misdeeds and a lot of management has been sacked. I believe that leaves room in the organisation for injection of new blood, and I assure you that in me you will get an able sucker to substitute them.

 

Q. 3. Tell us something about your short term plans and long term plans. Alternatively, where do you see yourself in 2 years time and 5 years time?

A. 3. Well, that vision would well depend on the result of this interview. If you were to not offer this one, then I would still be searching for a job in the next two years and settle for any crap in the next 5 years. However, if I were to continue to keep a positive outlook, then I would like to believe that in the next two years I would manage to fraud this company into believing in my abilities and in the next five, I would manage to fraud this company money-wise, by going up the ranks.

 

Q. 4. Why would you be interested in working with the Organisation? Alternatively, what role do you think would (Insert name of Organisation) play in furthering your career?

A. 4. To begin with, I would have  a career to look forward to, if I get to work with you. I have been searching for a job since sometime now, I haven’t managed anything. In normal circumstances, I would not bother applying with you. However, these are desperate times and beggars can really not be choosers.

Q. 5. Would you live to ask us any questions? (Aah, well!)

A. 5.  Are there any chicks in your organisation that wouldn’t mind having fun with a loser like me?

(If you are a girl) Would I need to do anything else to land this job?

 

Note: The questions that I have noted down for the interviewer in you, have been the general HR questions that I have faced in some previous ones. The answers are some of the ones that the ones that landed the job gave. I plan to try them out, so should you!

Placements – When they don’t happen! December 5, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Placements.
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It is that time of the year, when most students passing out of their colleges are tensed and worried. Because, even at this time of the year, they are not placed and do not know what their future holds for them. Some are shitting in their pants, but they are just the 2 year olds, so we wouldn’t bother about them.

So, what do you do when you are not placed? Do you plan elaborate methods to suicide? If yes, how do you go about doing it? Are there any other ways that you can deal with this? How to go about doing any of it? Now, that is what I am there for, to give you ways on how to deal with the trauma of not being placed. Please note, I am talking from experience. I am not placed, as yet!

 

5. Plan elaborate designs to suicide.

Now, most people around the blogging world would tell you, that suicide is the last thing you should be thinking about. But wouldn’t the last thing stay with you the longest? Which is exactly the reason, I am talking about this the first.

Suicides happen everyday. It is not really a big deal. However, it is important to note that suicides need to be carefully planned. It is even more important to frame somebody in your death, for you don’t want it to go waste. Your life has been a waste, you wouldn’t the same to happen with your death.

You could follow the following steps for designing your suicide.

  • Buy a railway ticket from Churchgate to Virar and back.
  • Buy a pack of Bingo Chips and Pepsi 500 ml pack and find yourself a seat in the train. You will need to jump to grab a seat and you can lose your life at that very instant. But isn’t that the point of this list anyways.
  • Write a suicide note while munching on the chips and sipping your drink. It might be a suicide note, but you don’t want to come across as a lousy writer. The chips and the drink would help lift your mood. (Visit the link to find examples of some famous such notes.)
  • Ensure that you have blamed the placement authorities at your college for your suicide.
  • You could then pass on your ticket to me along with the note, and jump of the running train. I need your ticket, and your death would finally come to some use.

4. Decide to become an entrapreneur

This one is not easy. Not at all! You need a lot of things in place for this to happen. And considering that you have not landed a placement for yourself, hard things are not really your thing. However, you could follow the following steps and become one.

  • Steal the idea from somewhere. (Google does not help)
  • Steal the money from somewhere. (Banks are collapsing)
  • Steal the people from somewhere. (Yeah right, you are not going to be any better on the other side of the placement process.)
  • Steal the profits from somewhere. (Not from me!)

Become a Theif

3. Decide to be a Thief

Well, the steps to follow are the same as cited in the previous advice. Then again, aren’t all managers thieves as well?!

2. Decide to pull up your socks and find an opportunity elsewhere.

Well, if you think you are good enough then why wouldn’t any other company want to have with them? The placement team at the college is full of morons, but please realize that they are just facilitators between you and your career. They might think they are Gods, but you know better. Come on now, you would get another job with a company better than what they are pointing out to you.

1. Stop reading this blog

 

Disclaimer: This blog does not support suicides. However, the blog would be very happy to inherit your wealth in case you decide to take your own life.