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5 Reasons why Hillary Clinton gasped in horror on Osama’s Death May 9, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant.
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Hillary Clinton’s reaction on hearing news of Osama’s Death has created quite a furore. Of course, we make this judgement based on the number of hits, her reaction generates on Google, because that is how we measure news these days.

So, why did she? Why did she react in the following manner?

As has been  my wont, I will list down 5 reasons on why.

5. Is he really dead? That is sad to hear. I wanted to be his next trophy wife. Why Seals, why did you do it?

4. I wanted to hear the truth. But I can’t handle the truth. Yes, Kaffee, he was right.

3. No Bill, I am not going to take that in my mouth. You could get Monica to do that. You can get ‘n’ number of girls to do that for you. But I am not doing it.

2. How in the world are we going to sustain Pakistan now? That failed state, it needs our taxpayers’ money to sustain life there!

1. OMG! So, it is true. These niggas do have big ones. And come to think of it, I tried to contest against this man for the presidency. Had I only known then!

 

(Disclaimer: Work of Fiction. Do not attach any hatred or political motivation to this post, if you are not a moron)

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5 Guaranteed Ways to Perform Well – For an Interviewee January 16, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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If you are going for an interview or have been to one, you know the anxiety that one suffers from. The anxiety to know if one has performed well or not. Or the anxiety to know the guaranteed ways by which one will make the right impressions or not.

I know that anxiety. Well, I have been to quite a few interviews in my lifetime. Yeah, I know, you could ask me how many interviews would a 22 year old really have given in his ‘lifetime’. Well, I think it would suffice to say that I have been to interviews for everything, even for getting a girlfriend. Well, those blind dating sites get you to fill a questionnaire.

That is the reason I have got you 5 ways to make a guaranteed good impression and perform well in an interview. (If you have already given one, put a check mark against the ways that you have used. Any score of above 3, means the result is on your favor.)

5. Suck up to the maximum. “I am desperate for a job.” “Since, I was 3, I used to dream to work for your company, never mind the fact that I used to shit in my pants. On second thoughts, you would want me to still shit in my pants” are statements that could work wonders for your interview. Ensure that when you are sucking up to the interviewer, it is obvious to him / her. They might just be idiots, they don’t know it, and they would not even understand that you are sucking up to them.

4. Use figures. Mug them up, or make them up. Or a mix of both. “There is going to be a demand of 24 million homes, by… ahem…. 2014”

3. Decide if you want to come across as a rich son of a bitch or a poor son of a beggar. Any thing in between is a no-no. They should either want to marry you or pity you. Well, it is actually the same. Getting people to marry you is easier then getting their pity, so you should have made up your mind on this one.

2. Use names of the interviewer’s daughter, son or spouse in the conversation. Remember, to name their schools and social circles too. The man / lady should know that you have researched a fair bit on them. Of course, you could hint that you could pick up their kids from school, even without their permission.

1. If it is a lady taking the interview, stare at the horizon, where her body meets the table. chest. If it is a man, look under the table. Never mind, if you are  a boy or girl. The important thing for them to know is that you would appreciate a boss, no matter what!

staring at interviewer

 

You would do well, to use my advice or use it as a check list. Well, I should know. I recently (and finally) got placed!

Placements – When they don’t happen! December 5, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Placements.
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It is that time of the year, when most students passing out of their colleges are tensed and worried. Because, even at this time of the year, they are not placed and do not know what their future holds for them. Some are shitting in their pants, but they are just the 2 year olds, so we wouldn’t bother about them.

So, what do you do when you are not placed? Do you plan elaborate methods to suicide? If yes, how do you go about doing it? Are there any other ways that you can deal with this? How to go about doing any of it? Now, that is what I am there for, to give you ways on how to deal with the trauma of not being placed. Please note, I am talking from experience. I am not placed, as yet!

 

5. Plan elaborate designs to suicide.

Now, most people around the blogging world would tell you, that suicide is the last thing you should be thinking about. But wouldn’t the last thing stay with you the longest? Which is exactly the reason, I am talking about this the first.

Suicides happen everyday. It is not really a big deal. However, it is important to note that suicides need to be carefully planned. It is even more important to frame somebody in your death, for you don’t want it to go waste. Your life has been a waste, you wouldn’t the same to happen with your death.

You could follow the following steps for designing your suicide.

  • Buy a railway ticket from Churchgate to Virar and back.
  • Buy a pack of Bingo Chips and Pepsi 500 ml pack and find yourself a seat in the train. You will need to jump to grab a seat and you can lose your life at that very instant. But isn’t that the point of this list anyways.
  • Write a suicide note while munching on the chips and sipping your drink. It might be a suicide note, but you don’t want to come across as a lousy writer. The chips and the drink would help lift your mood. (Visit the link to find examples of some famous such notes.)
  • Ensure that you have blamed the placement authorities at your college for your suicide.
  • You could then pass on your ticket to me along with the note, and jump of the running train. I need your ticket, and your death would finally come to some use.

4. Decide to become an entrapreneur

This one is not easy. Not at all! You need a lot of things in place for this to happen. And considering that you have not landed a placement for yourself, hard things are not really your thing. However, you could follow the following steps and become one.

  • Steal the idea from somewhere. (Google does not help)
  • Steal the money from somewhere. (Banks are collapsing)
  • Steal the people from somewhere. (Yeah right, you are not going to be any better on the other side of the placement process.)
  • Steal the profits from somewhere. (Not from me!)

Become a Theif

3. Decide to be a Thief

Well, the steps to follow are the same as cited in the previous advice. Then again, aren’t all managers thieves as well?!

2. Decide to pull up your socks and find an opportunity elsewhere.

Well, if you think you are good enough then why wouldn’t any other company want to have with them? The placement team at the college is full of morons, but please realize that they are just facilitators between you and your career. They might think they are Gods, but you know better. Come on now, you would get another job with a company better than what they are pointing out to you.

1. Stop reading this blog

 

Disclaimer: This blog does not support suicides. However, the blog would be very happy to inherit your wealth in case you decide to take your own life.

5 Reasons to take an Interview – For an Interviewer September 26, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewer.
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2 comments

It is been a long time since I made my last post to this world. Most of you might be rejoicing, but that is not something that I wish to get into. For I have decided to not abuse on this site. I might follow you on twitter instead, and make your life hell. But that is for twitter, another place another time.

It has been an even longer time since I gave you 5 reasons on anything or have talked about interviews. When the last time I met you with 5 reasons, I was talking to the interviewee in you. Then, I thought I had to leave out quite a few of you, since you had already given interviews and now wanted to know why you should take one. So, this time I have come to talk to you. The ones who could be giving me a job in future.

So here they are, 5 reasons to take an interview:

Reason 1: You are a sadist. You like to watch girls cry, boys sweat and pretty girls giggle nervously. If you are the kind of person who sticks to pessimists for the doom they predict, and have an affinity for disasters, then you are exactly the person to make the interview a dramatic affair. Of course, you like drama of the calamity kind. For, you are a sadist.

Reasons 2: Interviews can do wonders for your confidence. Most of the interviewees will never know as much about your FMCG company as you do, about how you distribute and how you collect revenues. They could be MBAs, and they would still know lesser than you. No, how should it matter that you have been stuck in the same job and same position for the last 17 years. You did a Bachelors in Commerce, and they are MBAs. And you still know more than them. Isn’t that all that matters?

Reason 3: You are a masochist. No, not of the sexual kind, but the non sexual kind. You derive your gratification from being abused. The interviewee might really be an idiot that you think you are. But that man or woman would always think other wise. You are going to be abused, mocked and even vowed against, but you derive pleasure from all that.

Reason 4: The lady in the Human Resources Department is really pretty. And the only time you see her is during the process of recruiting.

Reason 5: Well, do you have a better way of finding out the right candidate to tolerate your temperament, your attitude, and of course the work at the organization? Well, you surely don’t.

5 Reasons to go for an Interview – For the Interviewee August 18, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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Interviews can be a bitch. If you have ever been for one, you would know that the best thing to do at an interview is skip it. The interviewer generally believes that he/she is at no loss, and you are generally sweating under your collar. Unless, you are a blogger, when giving loads of crap to non questions comes easily to you, like second nature.

So, why am I still asking you to go for an interview? Why am I putting up 5 reasons for you, to attend an interview?

Reason 1: Good Reason to buy a decent pair of formals, a tie or scarf. Who doesn’t want a good enough reason to shop, a legitimate one at that?

Reason 2: Interviews are good place to find out the limits of human endurance. Either you will break with the questions or the interviewee will break down with your answers. Any ways, it is a good way to test humanity. You can promote your Art of Living classes to the interviewer, if you win.

Reason 3: If your interview is on a Monday afternoon. The interviewer would be facing ‘Monday Blues’. You could go ahead and sing Blues for him/her and practice your gigs with out the need of a Jamming Place!

Blues for Interview

Reason 4: If you are an executive established at one of the top companies, than going for interviews may actually be healing for you. Top level executives are generally overworked by acting fools all the time, and every one knows that. Going for an interview would allow them to show their smart selves once again. That could be an act, but at least would break the monotony.

Reason 5: You might want the job, after the interview. And the interview is the only way to get that job!

Interviews are a fun thing and you shouldn’t be scared attending them really. I am going to give you many more reasons and help with regards to an interview. It doesn’t matter, if you are interviewee or an interviewer, I would try to help you all. And again, I would wish to do with my brand of humor.