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5 Questions and Answers – Interview Time December 15, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee, Interviewer.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
16 comments

Now, my last post was interested in getting you to start thinking about placements in a positive light or if you can do that, to convince you to part with your wealth in the blog’s name.

 

Considering that the latter did not happen (I would have known, had I made any money over this blog) I am assuming that you have begun viewing the placement in some bright manner, hitherto unknown to mankind.

 

That got me thinking and I thought I have got enough time to spare from my daily activities of sucking dry the professionals at HR departments at Corporate (I am looking out for a job too). Which is exactly why, I should give you some of my time and help you prepare for the interview. It does not matter, if you are an interviewer or an interviewee. I got both questions and answers for you, after all!

 

(Please note that the following Q & A have been created without the knowledge of the job on offer. Thus, the following question list is  without any technical questions that you can ask and there is no question that would really help you judge the ability of the candidate for the job. In short, the following are HR questions.)

Q. 1 : Well, if you are the interviewer, then before going on to the first question, I think it will only be polite for you, to exchange pleasantries with the interviewee. I know that you are on a higher position and this man/woman sitting in front of you is desperate for a job, but none of that means that you stop following basic etiquettes of meeting new people.

 

Now that you have done that:

 

Q. 1. Tell us something about yourself.

A. 1.   I am (insert name) and I am a student of (insert name) college. I cut a sorry figure in my class every time I try to communicate, considering I did my schooling in a pathetic English medium school and that has left a scar on my confidence to last me a lifetime. I went on to complete my ‘plus 2’ (Yeah, we in Mumbai call it ‘JC’) in (insert name) college. It was a great college with a steady supply of weed coming in and those two years got me hooked to some great stuff. I stay at (insert name) with my parents and an older sibling. My father is unemployed and would presently be lying drunk in the house and my mother is a housewife. My big brother is presently working in your organisation.

 

Q.2. (If you decide to go on) Why should we be interested in you? Alternatively, what can you bring to (Insert Name of Organisation)?

A. 2. I have the zing to be creative and would be excited to bend rules in the most creative manner. I possess great flexibility and I believe that there is always some room for improvement. Thus, you can be assured that I will show you no spine and bend over to get the screwing of my life, every time you make a pathetic mistake and plan to blame it on me. The organisation has been in the news recently for all kind of misdeeds and a lot of management has been sacked. I believe that leaves room in the organisation for injection of new blood, and I assure you that in me you will get an able sucker to substitute them.

 

Q. 3. Tell us something about your short term plans and long term plans. Alternatively, where do you see yourself in 2 years time and 5 years time?

A. 3. Well, that vision would well depend on the result of this interview. If you were to not offer this one, then I would still be searching for a job in the next two years and settle for any crap in the next 5 years. However, if I were to continue to keep a positive outlook, then I would like to believe that in the next two years I would manage to fraud this company into believing in my abilities and in the next five, I would manage to fraud this company money-wise, by going up the ranks.

 

Q. 4. Why would you be interested in working with the Organisation? Alternatively, what role do you think would (Insert name of Organisation) play in furthering your career?

A. 4. To begin with, I would have  a career to look forward to, if I get to work with you. I have been searching for a job since sometime now, I haven’t managed anything. In normal circumstances, I would not bother applying with you. However, these are desperate times and beggars can really not be choosers.

Q. 5. Would you live to ask us any questions? (Aah, well!)

A. 5.  Are there any chicks in your organisation that wouldn’t mind having fun with a loser like me?

(If you are a girl) Would I need to do anything else to land this job?

 

Note: The questions that I have noted down for the interviewer in you, have been the general HR questions that I have faced in some previous ones. The answers are some of the ones that the ones that landed the job gave. I plan to try them out, so should you!

Placements – When they don’t happen! December 5, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Placements.
Tags: , , , , ,
4 comments

It is that time of the year, when most students passing out of their colleges are tensed and worried. Because, even at this time of the year, they are not placed and do not know what their future holds for them. Some are shitting in their pants, but they are just the 2 year olds, so we wouldn’t bother about them.

So, what do you do when you are not placed? Do you plan elaborate methods to suicide? If yes, how do you go about doing it? Are there any other ways that you can deal with this? How to go about doing any of it? Now, that is what I am there for, to give you ways on how to deal with the trauma of not being placed. Please note, I am talking from experience. I am not placed, as yet!

 

5. Plan elaborate designs to suicide.

Now, most people around the blogging world would tell you, that suicide is the last thing you should be thinking about. But wouldn’t the last thing stay with you the longest? Which is exactly the reason, I am talking about this the first.

Suicides happen everyday. It is not really a big deal. However, it is important to note that suicides need to be carefully planned. It is even more important to frame somebody in your death, for you don’t want it to go waste. Your life has been a waste, you wouldn’t the same to happen with your death.

You could follow the following steps for designing your suicide.

  • Buy a railway ticket from Churchgate to Virar and back.
  • Buy a pack of Bingo Chips and Pepsi 500 ml pack and find yourself a seat in the train. You will need to jump to grab a seat and you can lose your life at that very instant. But isn’t that the point of this list anyways.
  • Write a suicide note while munching on the chips and sipping your drink. It might be a suicide note, but you don’t want to come across as a lousy writer. The chips and the drink would help lift your mood. (Visit the link to find examples of some famous such notes.)
  • Ensure that you have blamed the placement authorities at your college for your suicide.
  • You could then pass on your ticket to me along with the note, and jump of the running train. I need your ticket, and your death would finally come to some use.

4. Decide to become an entrapreneur

This one is not easy. Not at all! You need a lot of things in place for this to happen. And considering that you have not landed a placement for yourself, hard things are not really your thing. However, you could follow the following steps and become one.

  • Steal the idea from somewhere. (Google does not help)
  • Steal the money from somewhere. (Banks are collapsing)
  • Steal the people from somewhere. (Yeah right, you are not going to be any better on the other side of the placement process.)
  • Steal the profits from somewhere. (Not from me!)

Become a Theif

3. Decide to be a Thief

Well, the steps to follow are the same as cited in the previous advice. Then again, aren’t all managers thieves as well?!

2. Decide to pull up your socks and find an opportunity elsewhere.

Well, if you think you are good enough then why wouldn’t any other company want to have with them? The placement team at the college is full of morons, but please realize that they are just facilitators between you and your career. They might think they are Gods, but you know better. Come on now, you would get another job with a company better than what they are pointing out to you.

1. Stop reading this blog

 

Disclaimer: This blog does not support suicides. However, the blog would be very happy to inherit your wealth in case you decide to take your own life.

Meaning of Ashes to an Indian November 28, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant, Humor Rant.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
3 comments

Until and unless, you are a PIO (Person of Indian Origin) in Australia, The Ashes do not mean much to you, other than a Test Series of 5 matches being played in England or Down Under between two unevenly matched sides. Or so you thought!

The Ashes mean much more than that to an average Indian. I have made a list of 3 things that The Ashes means to us.

3. The Ashes are related to Haridwar and to a lot of mourning for an average Indian.

2. The Ashes are something they show in a lot of Hindi movies from Ram Lakhan to 3 Idiots, that form a major crux of the story line moving forward.

1. The Ashes are what they drank in Due Date, thinking of that as Coffee.

There are times when The Ashes might be used in a different context. However, these times are also as frequent, as they are used in the context of cricket. In these times, The Ashes might be mispronounce as Asses.

Like in the following context:

Those Assess think that they play better cricket than us. However, we showed them what are true potential is by not letting them win after the Sydney episode. Assess!

In no context, do the Ashes mean the following to Indians

3. The Ashes

2. The best cricket series involving Australia. That is called the Border Gavaskar Trophy.

1. The most important battle in cricket heritage. That is India v/s Pakistan.

5 Things to Remember – Ayodhya Verdict September 30, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Serious Rant.
Tags: , , , , , ,
4 comments

The verdict, that has been awaited for so long, has been delivered by the Allahabad High Court, and can be read on this link. While this verdict will become a thing of past in some time, there are various things that you need to remember about this issue.

I have decided to point out 5.

5. The case was a title suit and involved 3 parties in it. The HC has delivered its verdict for these three parties involved. It is not a case of victimization or glory of any one religion or community. This point must be well understood, on the merits of logic.

4. The verdict is a step in a judicial proceeding and might not be the end of the issue. It is certainly not a case that should be metamorphosed into an electoral plank.

3. Arnab Goswami, Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai and the likes of these are a bunch of morons. Instead of listening to these ill informed, self obsessed and self stated guardians of Indian judiciary and democracy, you will be better placed, if you were to read the summary of the verdict yourself, or listen to some informed opinion.

2. It shouldn’t really matter to you, what the verdict means to any place of worship. You have enough of them already. Yes, if you were protesting for building a public toilet, a hospital or a school, your protest can be justified. However, there can be no justification for Voilence.

1. Most importantly, if you live within the boundaries of the country of India, then this country is being governed by a piece of document known as the Constitution of India. Your prime duty is to uphold this Constitution and not some whim of a political party.

5 Reasons to take an Interview – For an Interviewer September 26, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewer.
Tags: , , , , , , ,
2 comments

It is been a long time since I made my last post to this world. Most of you might be rejoicing, but that is not something that I wish to get into. For I have decided to not abuse on this site. I might follow you on twitter instead, and make your life hell. But that is for twitter, another place another time.

It has been an even longer time since I gave you 5 reasons on anything or have talked about interviews. When the last time I met you with 5 reasons, I was talking to the interviewee in you. Then, I thought I had to leave out quite a few of you, since you had already given interviews and now wanted to know why you should take one. So, this time I have come to talk to you. The ones who could be giving me a job in future.

So here they are, 5 reasons to take an interview:

Reason 1: You are a sadist. You like to watch girls cry, boys sweat and pretty girls giggle nervously. If you are the kind of person who sticks to pessimists for the doom they predict, and have an affinity for disasters, then you are exactly the person to make the interview a dramatic affair. Of course, you like drama of the calamity kind. For, you are a sadist.

Reasons 2: Interviews can do wonders for your confidence. Most of the interviewees will never know as much about your FMCG company as you do, about how you distribute and how you collect revenues. They could be MBAs, and they would still know lesser than you. No, how should it matter that you have been stuck in the same job and same position for the last 17 years. You did a Bachelors in Commerce, and they are MBAs. And you still know more than them. Isn’t that all that matters?

Reason 3: You are a masochist. No, not of the sexual kind, but the non sexual kind. You derive your gratification from being abused. The interviewee might really be an idiot that you think you are. But that man or woman would always think other wise. You are going to be abused, mocked and even vowed against, but you derive pleasure from all that.

Reason 4: The lady in the Human Resources Department is really pretty. And the only time you see her is during the process of recruiting.

Reason 5: Well, do you have a better way of finding out the right candidate to tolerate your temperament, your attitude, and of course the work at the organization? Well, you surely don’t.

Key Board that Abuses August 31, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Technology Rant.
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
1 comment so far

(Note: The following post is my entry for “My Demand Contest” on Indiblogger. I am happy with this theme of the contest, as it allows me to dwell upon my childhood dream of becoming a researcher before I bowed in to market demands to take up MBA.

The voting has already begun and I am already late. So, I am counting on you to get me that LaserJet.)

Ever experienced that feeling of disgust when you receive emails that have wrong spellings? Ever experienced the fury when your friends update their status messages with a sequence of hearts and alternately CaPpEd letters. Ever found yourself put off by the wrong grammar that has been put on your friend’s blog?

If you answered a resounding “Yes” to any of the above questions, you might want to read ahead, for what I propose would be to your liking. If you answered a big “No” to all of them, then you are an idiot. If you are one of these friends putting up such emails, posts or status updates, then well it is time I do something about you morons, right?!

So, what is this technology all about?

Technology:

The proposed technology is a keyboard, an peripheral interface for Input to your computer, net-book or IPad, that shouts out messages every time you make a mistake. These messages would be of the form of choicest abuses and the keyboard would refuse to type further, unless you go back and correct the mistake.

Demonstrations:

If you type in a wrong spelling mistake

Why don’t you use a Spell Check when you type in words? It is very evident that you never went to Primary School and never had a chance to learn spellings. You might as well make use of the technology available to you then, and stop being such a fucking moron.

If you type in absurd grammar

Open that Wren & Martin that has been locked inside the cupboard, idiot! Your father bought you that bulky Rs. 600/- book to learn something and not use that as a pillow  in High School. Don’t you realize that reading your crap on screen is a humiliation for others?

If you type in alternating Caps

The Keyboard would simply start banging itself across your head.

Commercial Price:

Rs. 200/- ($3.99)

Commercial Tagline:

An ideal gift to your 28 year old friend, colleague or employee who refuses to learn.

I would still be happy if HP doesn’t wish to give me that LaserJet and instead invest that money in developing such a keyboard. So long as my life is made simple.

Funny Keyboard Pictures

(If you liked the above post and you are an Indiblogger, what stops you from promoting it? If there is something, I wish to know in the comments section.)

Match Fixing is a Dark Art August 30, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant, Humor Rant.
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4 comments

And Pakistan Cricketers seem like a bunch of Slytherins. Very susceptible.

All that has been in the news since it broke out on Saturday night, is the news concerning the alleged spot fixing that involves no less than 7 Pakistani cricketers. Now, wasn’t 7 a magically powerful number? Are they just a bunch of Horcruxes then?

It is not even funny how I am able to compare Cricket, a sport I so dearly love and follow, can be compared to Harry Potter series that have been immortalized by J K Rowling.

Back in 2000, the Dark Arts came out in the public domain like never before, when Hansie Cronje broke down before the Kings Commission and those 3 days changed our world for ever. It has not even been 12 years (Time taken by Voldemort to make a reappearance in the wizard world. Oh come on now, stop whimpering, I am going to say that name aloud.) and match fixing has raised its ugly head once again, this time taking down a bunch of young Pakistani cricketers into its clutches. See, I told you, they were a bunch of Slytherins.

It is not funny that cricket started off from the same place, as HP series, in England. It is not funny that this event came to light at Lords. If Lords does not match up to Hogwarts in terms of sacrosanctness, nothing does.

What we need is Harry Potter to save us from this Dark Art. May be it is time for Daniel Vettori to show his true self.

Vettori Harry Potter Look Alike

Caption Contest – 1 August 27, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Uncategorized.
Tags: , , , ,
2 comments

This is the first in the series of photo posts that will demand your attention and we would demand your captions to the photographs.

Javed Miandad hitting Dennis Lilee

So, what do you think was happening at the time when the above picture was being clicked? What was Javed Miandad doing? What did Dennis say to him? Is the umpire really trying to be a referee here?

Let me know in the comments section. The best comment would be put up along with the photograph in an updated post. And of course, that could bring about immortality for you. If you own a blog, that could mean some hits too.

Why I don’t get into bed with you anymore… August 23, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant.
Tags: , , ,
5 comments

It is not like I never enjoyed my time with you in bed. It is not like I never got around to appreciate you.

In fact, it is on the contrary.

The times in bed with you made me realise about what I lack. The times in bed with you made me realise what I was never going to be like.

You told me about men that were powerful than I am. You told me about men that were more fulfilling.

You got me to appreciate women that are made of stuff that make dreams. You told me how I was never going to get them.

You introduced me to a world that I knew existed, but had never understood. I know I was never going to be the man, that you always wanted.

It is just not working for me anymore.

No, I am not getting in bed with you anymore. Sorry, Ayn Rand, but I can not go to sleep after reading “Atlas Shrugged”. It makes me mad to see where the world is going.

P.S: The style of writing has been inspired by this post on Rashi’s blog.

Freedom of Press and CWG August 19, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Serious Rant.
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
4 comments

When I revived this blog, two days back, I did not wish to make it a place for serious rants. But then I came across this article in today’s Mint and I thought there was something that I would wish to add to that.

It was a matter of luck that I came across this post on Neha’s blog about Freedom of Press and I decided that it was only providence that I talk about this topic now.

Freedom of Press

If you decided to click on the Mint link that I have provided, you would have realised that it is about South African government wishing to establish a regulator to regulate Press in South Africa and corporate players out there have decided to oppose it. The grounds that the corporate players have stated are interesting in my opinion.

The corporate players have gone ahead to state that the step to regulate press in South Africa would undo the good publicity that South Africa recieved during the FIFA World Cup 2010. SA is being seen as a rising democracy today which is past its apartheid days  and democracies do not decide to curb press work. As a democracy, where every player has got the right to say something, SA becomes an attractive destination for foreign investments. Curbing of the freedom of press will be “seen” as a negative action for a democracy.

What this tells us is that mere impressions tend to decide the fate of democracies, for it is after Fifa World Cup 2010 and huge events like Cricket World Cups and IPL, that SA has become an attractive place.

In India, we have the Common Wealth Games coming up in some time this October. And the work has been lagging behind, it seems. All forms of media have been slamming this lethargic attitude by the authorities and may be, rightly so. But the point that I am trying to make is – Why not wait till the CWG gets over and then slam it, if it is worthy enough for that? Now is the time to stand together and project a view which proclaims the Indian readiness and eagerness to host the games, isn’t it?

Of course, you could argue about freedom of press and tell me that I am an idiot to talk about it in the first part and forget it in the second one. But that simply warrants the defintion of “Freedom of Press”.

Indian Constitution says the following about Freedom of Press. (Note: This is a direct pick from Neha’s Blog):

Freedom of the Press has not been expressly provided for in the Constitution, but is implicit in the Fundamental Right pertaining to the Freedom of Speech and Expression guaranteed to the citizens under article 19 (1) (a) of the Constitution of India. The term “Freedom of Speech and Expression”, includes the liberty to propagate not only one’s views but also the right to print matters which have been borrowed from someone else or are printed under the direction of that person and also includes the liberty of publication and circulation. Every right carries with it a responsibility. Likewise, every freedom carries with it an obligation. It is primarily for the Press itself to determine what are its corresponding responsibilities and obligations.

Responsibilities and Obligations. I rest my case.