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5 Guaranteed Ways to Perform Well – For an Interviewee January 16, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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If you are going for an interview or have been to one, you know the anxiety that one suffers from. The anxiety to know if one has performed well or not. Or the anxiety to know the guaranteed ways by which one will make the right impressions or not.

I know that anxiety. Well, I have been to quite a few interviews in my lifetime. Yeah, I know, you could ask me how many interviews would a 22 year old really have given in his ‘lifetime’. Well, I think it would suffice to say that I have been to interviews for everything, even for getting a girlfriend. Well, those blind dating sites get you to fill a questionnaire.

That is the reason I have got you 5 ways to make a guaranteed good impression and perform well in an interview. (If you have already given one, put a check mark against the ways that you have used. Any score of above 3, means the result is on your favor.)

5. Suck up to the maximum. “I am desperate for a job.” “Since, I was 3, I used to dream to work for your company, never mind the fact that I used to shit in my pants. On second thoughts, you would want me to still shit in my pants” are statements that could work wonders for your interview. Ensure that when you are sucking up to the interviewer, it is obvious to him / her. They might just be idiots, they don’t know it, and they would not even understand that you are sucking up to them.

4. Use figures. Mug them up, or make them up. Or a mix of both. “There is going to be a demand of 24 million homes, by… ahem…. 2014”

3. Decide if you want to come across as a rich son of a bitch or a poor son of a beggar. Any thing in between is a no-no. They should either want to marry you or pity you. Well, it is actually the same. Getting people to marry you is easier then getting their pity, so you should have made up your mind on this one.

2. Use names of the interviewer’s daughter, son or spouse in the conversation. Remember, to name their schools and social circles too. The man / lady should know that you have researched a fair bit on them. Of course, you could hint that you could pick up their kids from school, even without their permission.

1. If it is a lady taking the interview, stare at the horizon, where her body meets the table. chest. If it is a man, look under the table. Never mind, if you are  a boy or girl. The important thing for them to know is that you would appreciate a boss, no matter what!

staring at interviewer

 

You would do well, to use my advice or use it as a check list. Well, I should know. I recently (and finally) got placed!

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5 Changes in Life – Post a Failed Interview December 26, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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Once your interview is done with, you might want to heave a sigh of relief. After all, aren’t those 5 questions and answers all that has got to do with an interview?

Why Does one fail an Interview
Sadly, that is not the truth. If you were to succeed in the interview, that is, land a job, your life has practically ended and there is nothing much that any of us could do to revive it.

 

However, if you are one of the few lucky ones, who failed the interview then there is something that you can look forward to. And those are the changes in your life post a failed a interview. As has been my wont, I will list down 5.

 

5. Everybody is sympathetic with you. You will regularly get words like “Don’t worry. It will work out. It always does.” from your family members and friends. Now, they mean it. And they care for you. It is just that they now get a chance to express it. But how should you react to that? Well, if you had any self – respect, you would feel pathetic. Alas, that is not the case and we both know it. So, you can bask in the sympathy – post a failed interview.

4. You start looking for more jobs through your friends and on the internet. It is a definite ‘move on’ from searching for porn sites on the internet to searching for company websites. And it is probably a good move on.

3. Facebook takes a back seat and LinkedIn becomes of paramount importance.

2. Your attitude goes for a toss, and you become humble. Isn’t humility one of the most over-hyped virtues? Well, that is the good thing about failing an interview. You suddenly start possessing such virtues.

1. You pay attention to your ‘supposed’ humor blog on WordPress

 

Disclaimer: Kindly note that while I have been repeatedly mentioning that I write these posts from personal experience, I wish to emphasize that the above one is just a piece of fiction and my wild imagination. I mean I would never follow Option numbered 4.

5 Questions and Answers – Interview Time December 15, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee, Interviewer.
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Now, my last post was interested in getting you to start thinking about placements in a positive light or if you can do that, to convince you to part with your wealth in the blog’s name.

 

Considering that the latter did not happen (I would have known, had I made any money over this blog) I am assuming that you have begun viewing the placement in some bright manner, hitherto unknown to mankind.

 

That got me thinking and I thought I have got enough time to spare from my daily activities of sucking dry the professionals at HR departments at Corporate (I am looking out for a job too). Which is exactly why, I should give you some of my time and help you prepare for the interview. It does not matter, if you are an interviewer or an interviewee. I got both questions and answers for you, after all!

 

(Please note that the following Q & A have been created without the knowledge of the job on offer. Thus, the following question list is  without any technical questions that you can ask and there is no question that would really help you judge the ability of the candidate for the job. In short, the following are HR questions.)

Q. 1 : Well, if you are the interviewer, then before going on to the first question, I think it will only be polite for you, to exchange pleasantries with the interviewee. I know that you are on a higher position and this man/woman sitting in front of you is desperate for a job, but none of that means that you stop following basic etiquettes of meeting new people.

 

Now that you have done that:

 

Q. 1. Tell us something about yourself.

A. 1.   I am (insert name) and I am a student of (insert name) college. I cut a sorry figure in my class every time I try to communicate, considering I did my schooling in a pathetic English medium school and that has left a scar on my confidence to last me a lifetime. I went on to complete my ‘plus 2’ (Yeah, we in Mumbai call it ‘JC’) in (insert name) college. It was a great college with a steady supply of weed coming in and those two years got me hooked to some great stuff. I stay at (insert name) with my parents and an older sibling. My father is unemployed and would presently be lying drunk in the house and my mother is a housewife. My big brother is presently working in your organisation.

 

Q.2. (If you decide to go on) Why should we be interested in you? Alternatively, what can you bring to (Insert Name of Organisation)?

A. 2. I have the zing to be creative and would be excited to bend rules in the most creative manner. I possess great flexibility and I believe that there is always some room for improvement. Thus, you can be assured that I will show you no spine and bend over to get the screwing of my life, every time you make a pathetic mistake and plan to blame it on me. The organisation has been in the news recently for all kind of misdeeds and a lot of management has been sacked. I believe that leaves room in the organisation for injection of new blood, and I assure you that in me you will get an able sucker to substitute them.

 

Q. 3. Tell us something about your short term plans and long term plans. Alternatively, where do you see yourself in 2 years time and 5 years time?

A. 3. Well, that vision would well depend on the result of this interview. If you were to not offer this one, then I would still be searching for a job in the next two years and settle for any crap in the next 5 years. However, if I were to continue to keep a positive outlook, then I would like to believe that in the next two years I would manage to fraud this company into believing in my abilities and in the next five, I would manage to fraud this company money-wise, by going up the ranks.

 

Q. 4. Why would you be interested in working with the Organisation? Alternatively, what role do you think would (Insert name of Organisation) play in furthering your career?

A. 4. To begin with, I would have  a career to look forward to, if I get to work with you. I have been searching for a job since sometime now, I haven’t managed anything. In normal circumstances, I would not bother applying with you. However, these are desperate times and beggars can really not be choosers.

Q. 5. Would you live to ask us any questions? (Aah, well!)

A. 5.  Are there any chicks in your organisation that wouldn’t mind having fun with a loser like me?

(If you are a girl) Would I need to do anything else to land this job?

 

Note: The questions that I have noted down for the interviewer in you, have been the general HR questions that I have faced in some previous ones. The answers are some of the ones that the ones that landed the job gave. I plan to try them out, so should you!

5 Reasons to go for an Interview – For the Interviewee August 18, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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9 comments

Interviews can be a bitch. If you have ever been for one, you would know that the best thing to do at an interview is skip it. The interviewer generally believes that he/she is at no loss, and you are generally sweating under your collar. Unless, you are a blogger, when giving loads of crap to non questions comes easily to you, like second nature.

So, why am I still asking you to go for an interview? Why am I putting up 5 reasons for you, to attend an interview?

Reason 1: Good Reason to buy a decent pair of formals, a tie or scarf. Who doesn’t want a good enough reason to shop, a legitimate one at that?

Reason 2: Interviews are good place to find out the limits of human endurance. Either you will break with the questions or the interviewee will break down with your answers. Any ways, it is a good way to test humanity. You can promote your Art of Living classes to the interviewer, if you win.

Reason 3: If your interview is on a Monday afternoon. The interviewer would be facing ‘Monday Blues’. You could go ahead and sing Blues for him/her and practice your gigs with out the need of a Jamming Place!

Blues for Interview

Reason 4: If you are an executive established at one of the top companies, than going for interviews may actually be healing for you. Top level executives are generally overworked by acting fools all the time, and every one knows that. Going for an interview would allow them to show their smart selves once again. That could be an act, but at least would break the monotony.

Reason 5: You might want the job, after the interview. And the interview is the only way to get that job!

Interviews are a fun thing and you shouldn’t be scared attending them really. I am going to give you many more reasons and help with regards to an interview. It doesn’t matter, if you are interviewee or an interviewer, I would try to help you all. And again, I would wish to do with my brand of humor.