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What are the English gloating about? July 25, 2013

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant, Humor Rant.
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No seriously, what are they gloating about?

That they have a new prince? That they have won in rugby? That they have  a Brit Wimbledon champ after so long? That they have the Aussies on the mat in The Ashes?

You would read all the questions listed above and if you are an Englishman, respond with a resounding “Yeah!” So for the Englishmen, this is my response.

    1. You have  a new prince, in prince George Louis. Well, good for the namesake royalty. But really, is that really worth gloating about? That the father of the child had the balls to father a child? I belong to a country of over 120 cr. in population. Seriously, birthing a child is no big deal for us Indians, we bring a new life in this world almost every second.
    2. Rugby. Well, really who cares about that sport in India. Sachin Tendulkar doesn’t play rugby.
    3. Brit Wimbledon champ. Well, for one, it is just one of the Slams held every year and it shows the lack of depth in the English tennis lines that you did not have a champ in a slam held in your country for so many years. And for second, weren’t we reminded every year of Andy Murray’s Scottish background until this one? Suddenly, he is all Brit?
    4. The Ashes. Australia have lost only 2 of the first 2 tests in the 5 test match series and boy, they have every chance in hell to make a fightback happen and win the Ashes urn this time around. Well, may not every chance in hell, but a mathematical / statistical chance nevertheless. So why don’t you first ensure that the series is indeed won and the urn is locked in your cupboards for the next 15 4 months.

No seriously, what are they gloating about?

3 Changes in Life – Or Why my mum is a worried woman July 13, 2013

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Featured, Humor Rant, JAR-gon.
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You need a certain amount of passion, a good laptop and a lot of time to maintain a blog regularly and post every now and then. But then, I don’t have all of that. Definitely not a good laptop (Rajesh from IT, sun raha hai na tu, ro raha hun mein!). But then, I read @ofnosurnamefame and I was so floored by it, that I decided that I should be back on this page and write something.

So what has changed for me in the last 11 months? Now, that I put it up here, I realize how much I have missed writing. And while this is not an attempt to write the best comeback post, it is only an attempt to get my mojo flowing again. Yeah baby, I just wanted to use an Austin Powers, and look I have used three. Two, you point out? Oh baby, Behave!

So what has changed for me in the last 11 months?

  1. Well, for one, I didn’t write on this page. I attempted to revive All Padded Up,with a bunch of friends and all of the king’s men couldn’t put up Humpty Dumpty together again.

  2. Friends have moved on with their lives. Trying to find better jobs, better opportunities, to study or simply on their way. My job, you ask, well it couldn’t have been better. Well, it could be. It could be paying more, giving more time off, but then to tell you the truth, I love every bit of it and I wouldn’t want to exchange it for anything.

  3. Fell in love. Crazy about that somebody and excited about the possibilities that this relationship might bring. My mum is sensing changes (improvements as most women in my life would want to term it – women = mum and her) and she is worried as to what is making these changes happen. I think I will let her be worried a little more.

Well, frankly, that’s all that is to me. What about you? Let me know. Or not. I am just trying to get my mojo back, yeah baby, behave!

5 ways to wish Happy Teachers Day September 5, 2012

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant.
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Yes, it has been some time since you last saw me here. And to avoid giggles, I will not be saying that you would be seeing a lot of me in coming future. I got a job that I love, and I might as well be faithful to it. Or not so much, like you care!

So, it is that time of the year when you get cringe about that black blazer you borrowed from your dad to wear (some 8 years ago) and look utterly disdainful while you troubled younger kids in school as they very well deserved. (My English teacher is surely going to cringe on the length of that sentence. Sorry, miss!)

I liked my teachers, even respected them. Not in the years of school and college, but surely after that. But then, this blog is not about being emotional, it is about being stupid. So here I present, 5 ways to wish your teacher on  Teachers Day!

5. Get them a bottle of Teachers, the finest. (This was expected to make an appearance, wasn’t it? So let me get it out of the way first)

4. Be of the opposite gender to the teacher. Get a sex change, if needed and while you are at it, you might want to touch up your face. Not sure about the teacher, but that would help me a great deal. Wear low collared tees, if you are now becoming a woman. Again, would help me a great deal.

3. Suck up. Now, you do this at your jobs and you have been trained for this. You have been molded into this form, as only experience can and you might as well use it. Remember that one mark she refused to increase in your math test, taking you from 18/20 to 19/20? Find out, if you have gotten better at begging now.

2. Brag. No, not in the manner which you usually do. Give them the due credit which they deserve to help you reach where you are today, insisting that you were always awesome but they were decently good too. If you think you are in a bad place, don’t smash their faces for this. You might use that “chewing gum near her head rest” trick. Remember?

1. Pick up a phone or search them on FB. Flood their wall posts with wishes and get your friends to like their page. They have been awesome to you, no matter how partial you felt she was. She has had a great role to play in your life, till date.

(P. S. – To all my dear teachers who have made me who I am – Thanks a bunch, will always love your love)

5 Reasons why Hillary Clinton gasped in horror on Osama’s Death May 9, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant.
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Hillary Clinton’s reaction on hearing news of Osama’s Death has created quite a furore. Of course, we make this judgement based on the number of hits, her reaction generates on Google, because that is how we measure news these days.

So, why did she? Why did she react in the following manner?

As has been  my wont, I will list down 5 reasons on why.

5. Is he really dead? That is sad to hear. I wanted to be his next trophy wife. Why Seals, why did you do it?

4. I wanted to hear the truth. But I can’t handle the truth. Yes, Kaffee, he was right.

3. No Bill, I am not going to take that in my mouth. You could get Monica to do that. You can get ‘n’ number of girls to do that for you. But I am not doing it.

2. How in the world are we going to sustain Pakistan now? That failed state, it needs our taxpayers’ money to sustain life there!

1. OMG! So, it is true. These niggas do have big ones. And come to think of it, I tried to contest against this man for the presidency. Had I only known then!

 

(Disclaimer: Work of Fiction. Do not attach any hatred or political motivation to this post, if you are not a moron)

Osama found Dead – For Sachin May 2, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant, Humor Rant, Serious Rant.
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On Sunday, May 1, Osama Bin Laden was found dead in the evening. At least, that is what the reports coming in have confirmed. It is noteworthy that President Obama thanked Sachin Tendulkar in his speech while reporting the death to US of America.

Barack Obama delivers speech on Dead Osama

[Link unavailable] [Excerpts from Speech]

“We did it for Sachin. Just like the Indian team won the World Cup for him, we killed Osama Bin Laden for Sachin. Yes, we can!”

“It is a proud moment for all of us. We have finally managed to do something for Sachin. He has carried the burden of a billion living people on his shoulder. Now, it was time for us to stop carrying burden of killing a billion people and carrying them on our shoulders. The one man that made us to do that, we have killed him. No, not Sachin, I meant Osama there in the last sentence.”

“Osama was found dead in Pakistan. It is imperative to note that India have agreed in principle to tour that terror torn nation. And Sachin would be a part of that touring party.”

“We could not let Sachin go through the terror of playing in a country which hosted Osama. As we can not exert any force on BCCI and their decision making in cricket, hell nobody can, we decided to do the next best thing. We removed the threat. We killed Osama.”

“Yes, We Can. Yes, We Did. We Killed Osama. For Sachin”

The world has now taken a collective sigh of relief. All, they have managed to say is

Thank You Sachin

(Disclaimer: The words in the post above are completely my own and any occurrence of the said words by Barack himself, would be an infringement on copyright. That is, Barack never said it before me.)

5 Guaranteed Ways to Perform Well – For an Interviewee January 16, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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If you are going for an interview or have been to one, you know the anxiety that one suffers from. The anxiety to know if one has performed well or not. Or the anxiety to know the guaranteed ways by which one will make the right impressions or not.

I know that anxiety. Well, I have been to quite a few interviews in my lifetime. Yeah, I know, you could ask me how many interviews would a 22 year old really have given in his ‘lifetime’. Well, I think it would suffice to say that I have been to interviews for everything, even for getting a girlfriend. Well, those blind dating sites get you to fill a questionnaire.

That is the reason I have got you 5 ways to make a guaranteed good impression and perform well in an interview. (If you have already given one, put a check mark against the ways that you have used. Any score of above 3, means the result is on your favor.)

5. Suck up to the maximum. “I am desperate for a job.” “Since, I was 3, I used to dream to work for your company, never mind the fact that I used to shit in my pants. On second thoughts, you would want me to still shit in my pants” are statements that could work wonders for your interview. Ensure that when you are sucking up to the interviewer, it is obvious to him / her. They might just be idiots, they don’t know it, and they would not even understand that you are sucking up to them.

4. Use figures. Mug them up, or make them up. Or a mix of both. “There is going to be a demand of 24 million homes, by… ahem…. 2014”

3. Decide if you want to come across as a rich son of a bitch or a poor son of a beggar. Any thing in between is a no-no. They should either want to marry you or pity you. Well, it is actually the same. Getting people to marry you is easier then getting their pity, so you should have made up your mind on this one.

2. Use names of the interviewer’s daughter, son or spouse in the conversation. Remember, to name their schools and social circles too. The man / lady should know that you have researched a fair bit on them. Of course, you could hint that you could pick up their kids from school, even without their permission.

1. If it is a lady taking the interview, stare at the horizon, where her body meets the table. chest. If it is a man, look under the table. Never mind, if you are  a boy or girl. The important thing for them to know is that you would appreciate a boss, no matter what!

staring at interviewer

 

You would do well, to use my advice or use it as a check list. Well, I should know. I recently (and finally) got placed!

5 Changes in Life – Post a Failed Interview December 26, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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Once your interview is done with, you might want to heave a sigh of relief. After all, aren’t those 5 questions and answers all that has got to do with an interview?

Why Does one fail an Interview
Sadly, that is not the truth. If you were to succeed in the interview, that is, land a job, your life has practically ended and there is nothing much that any of us could do to revive it.

 

However, if you are one of the few lucky ones, who failed the interview then there is something that you can look forward to. And those are the changes in your life post a failed a interview. As has been my wont, I will list down 5.

 

5. Everybody is sympathetic with you. You will regularly get words like “Don’t worry. It will work out. It always does.” from your family members and friends. Now, they mean it. And they care for you. It is just that they now get a chance to express it. But how should you react to that? Well, if you had any self – respect, you would feel pathetic. Alas, that is not the case and we both know it. So, you can bask in the sympathy – post a failed interview.

4. You start looking for more jobs through your friends and on the internet. It is a definite ‘move on’ from searching for porn sites on the internet to searching for company websites. And it is probably a good move on.

3. Facebook takes a back seat and LinkedIn becomes of paramount importance.

2. Your attitude goes for a toss, and you become humble. Isn’t humility one of the most over-hyped virtues? Well, that is the good thing about failing an interview. You suddenly start possessing such virtues.

1. You pay attention to your ‘supposed’ humor blog on WordPress

 

Disclaimer: Kindly note that while I have been repeatedly mentioning that I write these posts from personal experience, I wish to emphasize that the above one is just a piece of fiction and my wild imagination. I mean I would never follow Option numbered 4.

5 Questions and Answers – Interview Time December 15, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee, Interviewer.
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Now, my last post was interested in getting you to start thinking about placements in a positive light or if you can do that, to convince you to part with your wealth in the blog’s name.

 

Considering that the latter did not happen (I would have known, had I made any money over this blog) I am assuming that you have begun viewing the placement in some bright manner, hitherto unknown to mankind.

 

That got me thinking and I thought I have got enough time to spare from my daily activities of sucking dry the professionals at HR departments at Corporate (I am looking out for a job too). Which is exactly why, I should give you some of my time and help you prepare for the interview. It does not matter, if you are an interviewer or an interviewee. I got both questions and answers for you, after all!

 

(Please note that the following Q & A have been created without the knowledge of the job on offer. Thus, the following question list is  without any technical questions that you can ask and there is no question that would really help you judge the ability of the candidate for the job. In short, the following are HR questions.)

Q. 1 : Well, if you are the interviewer, then before going on to the first question, I think it will only be polite for you, to exchange pleasantries with the interviewee. I know that you are on a higher position and this man/woman sitting in front of you is desperate for a job, but none of that means that you stop following basic etiquettes of meeting new people.

 

Now that you have done that:

 

Q. 1. Tell us something about yourself.

A. 1.   I am (insert name) and I am a student of (insert name) college. I cut a sorry figure in my class every time I try to communicate, considering I did my schooling in a pathetic English medium school and that has left a scar on my confidence to last me a lifetime. I went on to complete my ‘plus 2’ (Yeah, we in Mumbai call it ‘JC’) in (insert name) college. It was a great college with a steady supply of weed coming in and those two years got me hooked to some great stuff. I stay at (insert name) with my parents and an older sibling. My father is unemployed and would presently be lying drunk in the house and my mother is a housewife. My big brother is presently working in your organisation.

 

Q.2. (If you decide to go on) Why should we be interested in you? Alternatively, what can you bring to (Insert Name of Organisation)?

A. 2. I have the zing to be creative and would be excited to bend rules in the most creative manner. I possess great flexibility and I believe that there is always some room for improvement. Thus, you can be assured that I will show you no spine and bend over to get the screwing of my life, every time you make a pathetic mistake and plan to blame it on me. The organisation has been in the news recently for all kind of misdeeds and a lot of management has been sacked. I believe that leaves room in the organisation for injection of new blood, and I assure you that in me you will get an able sucker to substitute them.

 

Q. 3. Tell us something about your short term plans and long term plans. Alternatively, where do you see yourself in 2 years time and 5 years time?

A. 3. Well, that vision would well depend on the result of this interview. If you were to not offer this one, then I would still be searching for a job in the next two years and settle for any crap in the next 5 years. However, if I were to continue to keep a positive outlook, then I would like to believe that in the next two years I would manage to fraud this company into believing in my abilities and in the next five, I would manage to fraud this company money-wise, by going up the ranks.

 

Q. 4. Why would you be interested in working with the Organisation? Alternatively, what role do you think would (Insert name of Organisation) play in furthering your career?

A. 4. To begin with, I would have  a career to look forward to, if I get to work with you. I have been searching for a job since sometime now, I haven’t managed anything. In normal circumstances, I would not bother applying with you. However, these are desperate times and beggars can really not be choosers.

Q. 5. Would you live to ask us any questions? (Aah, well!)

A. 5.  Are there any chicks in your organisation that wouldn’t mind having fun with a loser like me?

(If you are a girl) Would I need to do anything else to land this job?

 

Note: The questions that I have noted down for the interviewer in you, have been the general HR questions that I have faced in some previous ones. The answers are some of the ones that the ones that landed the job gave. I plan to try them out, so should you!

Placements – When they don’t happen! December 5, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Placements.
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It is that time of the year, when most students passing out of their colleges are tensed and worried. Because, even at this time of the year, they are not placed and do not know what their future holds for them. Some are shitting in their pants, but they are just the 2 year olds, so we wouldn’t bother about them.

So, what do you do when you are not placed? Do you plan elaborate methods to suicide? If yes, how do you go about doing it? Are there any other ways that you can deal with this? How to go about doing any of it? Now, that is what I am there for, to give you ways on how to deal with the trauma of not being placed. Please note, I am talking from experience. I am not placed, as yet!

 

5. Plan elaborate designs to suicide.

Now, most people around the blogging world would tell you, that suicide is the last thing you should be thinking about. But wouldn’t the last thing stay with you the longest? Which is exactly the reason, I am talking about this the first.

Suicides happen everyday. It is not really a big deal. However, it is important to note that suicides need to be carefully planned. It is even more important to frame somebody in your death, for you don’t want it to go waste. Your life has been a waste, you wouldn’t the same to happen with your death.

You could follow the following steps for designing your suicide.

  • Buy a railway ticket from Churchgate to Virar and back.
  • Buy a pack of Bingo Chips and Pepsi 500 ml pack and find yourself a seat in the train. You will need to jump to grab a seat and you can lose your life at that very instant. But isn’t that the point of this list anyways.
  • Write a suicide note while munching on the chips and sipping your drink. It might be a suicide note, but you don’t want to come across as a lousy writer. The chips and the drink would help lift your mood. (Visit the link to find examples of some famous such notes.)
  • Ensure that you have blamed the placement authorities at your college for your suicide.
  • You could then pass on your ticket to me along with the note, and jump of the running train. I need your ticket, and your death would finally come to some use.

4. Decide to become an entrapreneur

This one is not easy. Not at all! You need a lot of things in place for this to happen. And considering that you have not landed a placement for yourself, hard things are not really your thing. However, you could follow the following steps and become one.

  • Steal the idea from somewhere. (Google does not help)
  • Steal the money from somewhere. (Banks are collapsing)
  • Steal the people from somewhere. (Yeah right, you are not going to be any better on the other side of the placement process.)
  • Steal the profits from somewhere. (Not from me!)

Become a Theif

3. Decide to be a Thief

Well, the steps to follow are the same as cited in the previous advice. Then again, aren’t all managers thieves as well?!

2. Decide to pull up your socks and find an opportunity elsewhere.

Well, if you think you are good enough then why wouldn’t any other company want to have with them? The placement team at the college is full of morons, but please realize that they are just facilitators between you and your career. They might think they are Gods, but you know better. Come on now, you would get another job with a company better than what they are pointing out to you.

1. Stop reading this blog

 

Disclaimer: This blog does not support suicides. However, the blog would be very happy to inherit your wealth in case you decide to take your own life.

Meaning of Ashes to an Indian November 28, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant, Humor Rant.
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Until and unless, you are a PIO (Person of Indian Origin) in Australia, The Ashes do not mean much to you, other than a Test Series of 5 matches being played in England or Down Under between two unevenly matched sides. Or so you thought!

The Ashes mean much more than that to an average Indian. I have made a list of 3 things that The Ashes means to us.

3. The Ashes are related to Haridwar and to a lot of mourning for an average Indian.

2. The Ashes are something they show in a lot of Hindi movies from Ram Lakhan to 3 Idiots, that form a major crux of the story line moving forward.

1. The Ashes are what they drank in Due Date, thinking of that as Coffee.

There are times when The Ashes might be used in a different context. However, these times are also as frequent, as they are used in the context of cricket. In these times, The Ashes might be mispronounce as Asses.

Like in the following context:

Those Assess think that they play better cricket than us. However, we showed them what are true potential is by not letting them win after the Sydney episode. Assess!

In no context, do the Ashes mean the following to Indians

3. The Ashes

2. The best cricket series involving Australia. That is called the Border Gavaskar Trophy.

1. The most important battle in cricket heritage. That is India v/s Pakistan.