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5 Questions and Answers – Interview Time December 15, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee, Interviewer.
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Now, my last post was interested in getting you to start thinking about placements in a positive light or if you can do that, to convince you to part with your wealth in the blog’s name.

 

Considering that the latter did not happen (I would have known, had I made any money over this blog) I am assuming that you have begun viewing the placement in some bright manner, hitherto unknown to mankind.

 

That got me thinking and I thought I have got enough time to spare from my daily activities of sucking dry the professionals at HR departments at Corporate (I am looking out for a job too). Which is exactly why, I should give you some of my time and help you prepare for the interview. It does not matter, if you are an interviewer or an interviewee. I got both questions and answers for you, after all!

 

(Please note that the following Q & A have been created without the knowledge of the job on offer. Thus, the following question list is  without any technical questions that you can ask and there is no question that would really help you judge the ability of the candidate for the job. In short, the following are HR questions.)

Q. 1 : Well, if you are the interviewer, then before going on to the first question, I think it will only be polite for you, to exchange pleasantries with the interviewee. I know that you are on a higher position and this man/woman sitting in front of you is desperate for a job, but none of that means that you stop following basic etiquettes of meeting new people.

 

Now that you have done that:

 

Q. 1. Tell us something about yourself.

A. 1.   I am (insert name) and I am a student of (insert name) college. I cut a sorry figure in my class every time I try to communicate, considering I did my schooling in a pathetic English medium school and that has left a scar on my confidence to last me a lifetime. I went on to complete my ‘plus 2’ (Yeah, we in Mumbai call it ‘JC’) in (insert name) college. It was a great college with a steady supply of weed coming in and those two years got me hooked to some great stuff. I stay at (insert name) with my parents and an older sibling. My father is unemployed and would presently be lying drunk in the house and my mother is a housewife. My big brother is presently working in your organisation.

 

Q.2. (If you decide to go on) Why should we be interested in you? Alternatively, what can you bring to (Insert Name of Organisation)?

A. 2. I have the zing to be creative and would be excited to bend rules in the most creative manner. I possess great flexibility and I believe that there is always some room for improvement. Thus, you can be assured that I will show you no spine and bend over to get the screwing of my life, every time you make a pathetic mistake and plan to blame it on me. The organisation has been in the news recently for all kind of misdeeds and a lot of management has been sacked. I believe that leaves room in the organisation for injection of new blood, and I assure you that in me you will get an able sucker to substitute them.

 

Q. 3. Tell us something about your short term plans and long term plans. Alternatively, where do you see yourself in 2 years time and 5 years time?

A. 3. Well, that vision would well depend on the result of this interview. If you were to not offer this one, then I would still be searching for a job in the next two years and settle for any crap in the next 5 years. However, if I were to continue to keep a positive outlook, then I would like to believe that in the next two years I would manage to fraud this company into believing in my abilities and in the next five, I would manage to fraud this company money-wise, by going up the ranks.

 

Q. 4. Why would you be interested in working with the Organisation? Alternatively, what role do you think would (Insert name of Organisation) play in furthering your career?

A. 4. To begin with, I would have  a career to look forward to, if I get to work with you. I have been searching for a job since sometime now, I haven’t managed anything. In normal circumstances, I would not bother applying with you. However, these are desperate times and beggars can really not be choosers.

Q. 5. Would you live to ask us any questions? (Aah, well!)

A. 5.  Are there any chicks in your organisation that wouldn’t mind having fun with a loser like me?

(If you are a girl) Would I need to do anything else to land this job?

 

Note: The questions that I have noted down for the interviewer in you, have been the general HR questions that I have faced in some previous ones. The answers are some of the ones that the ones that landed the job gave. I plan to try them out, so should you!

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Comments»

1. ron - December 15, 2010

lol!!!
the most humorous blog i’ve ever read…

p.s. i know i’ve a bad bad humor (:

Ankit Poddar - December 15, 2010

Rohan,

I would like to believe that you have a great sense of humor, considering that you liked what has been written!!

2. A Bisht - December 15, 2010

Haha, nice guidance. Sometimes what not to do, is even a better advice.

Ankit Poddar - December 15, 2010

Thank You, Anil. As a matter of fact, I believe that these are the answers that are being given in interviews, definitely with better wordings though!

3. Raghvendra - December 15, 2010

Ankit u relly want me to comment on ur blog!! Its makes me a dichhead, visiting everytime here to read some engg+mba guy’s blog( which makes u a double dickhead)!! But I m glad to visit double dick heads blog n appreciate it!! Cheers bro!!

Ankit Poddar - December 15, 2010

I really don’t understand much of your comment, but I like the fact that you read the blog and I could get you to comment on one of the posts! Yay!

4. S.R.Ayyangar - December 16, 2010

Long long back there used to be a humorous magazine called SUN wherein in one of the columns such type of questions were answered. The title of the column was ‘Stupid questions, silly answers’! This witty post of yours made me nostalgic.

Ankit Poddar - December 16, 2010

I am really glad you think that this article was worth being in a humor magazine, under whatever title… At least that is the way I see it.

And yes, I am glad that the blog made you think of good times.

5. pramod - December 16, 2010

I have book marked your page for my son to go through before his interview.
well written .

Ankit Poddar - December 16, 2010

Pramod,

Being bookmarked makes my day. I just hope that when your son reads this, he realizes that I do believe that these answers have to be given in better words. Of course, you would be there to ad that!

6. vedant ruia - December 17, 2010

Haha. Reminds me of the time when I went for an interview and my dad asked me, “where exactly do you see yourself in 5 years”. I said, “I’m hoping exactly at the spot your sitting at, but ill exchange the PC for a mac”.
Well I didn’t get through to say the least. Great blogging. Keep it rolling.

Ankit Poddar - December 17, 2010

Thanks for the compliments bro…

I like that answer actually.. I mean come on, in five years you would have gotten bored of the PC, and the mac would be the right thing to do.

P.S: You commented twice, more or less same… However, in the second attempt, you did not add the compliments.. Which is why, only this one gets a reply!

7. Vedant Ruia - December 17, 2010

haha. Reminds me of the time when I appeared for an interview and my dad asked me, “Where exactly do you see yourself in 5 years?”. I said, “Well exactly at your spot but i ll exchange the PC for a Mac”. I didnt get through the first round to say the least.

8. Ankit Mishra - December 17, 2010

effing hilarious. Hope I am not any of the characters here.

Ankit Poddar - December 17, 2010

Well, if you want a job, be one of these characters. Use better words… but then you are better with them…

Thanks for the effings…

9. 5 Changes in Life – Post a Failed Interview « Ankit Poddar's World of Creative Writing - December 26, 2010

[…] interview is done with, you might want to heave a sigh of relief. After all, aren’t those 5 questions and answers all that has got to do with an […]


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