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5 Changes in Life – Post a Failed Interview December 26, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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Once your interview is done with, you might want to heave a sigh of relief. After all, aren’t those 5 questions and answers all that has got to do with an interview?

Why Does one fail an Interview
Sadly, that is not the truth. If you were to succeed in the interview, that is, land a job, your life has practically ended and there is nothing much that any of us could do to revive it.

 

However, if you are one of the few lucky ones, who failed the interview then there is something that you can look forward to. And those are the changes in your life post a failed a interview. As has been my wont, I will list down 5.

 

5. Everybody is sympathetic with you. You will regularly get words like “Don’t worry. It will work out. It always does.” from your family members and friends. Now, they mean it. And they care for you. It is just that they now get a chance to express it. But how should you react to that? Well, if you had any self – respect, you would feel pathetic. Alas, that is not the case and we both know it. So, you can bask in the sympathy – post a failed interview.

4. You start looking for more jobs through your friends and on the internet. It is a definite ‘move on’ from searching for porn sites on the internet to searching for company websites. And it is probably a good move on.

3. Facebook takes a back seat and LinkedIn becomes of paramount importance.

2. Your attitude goes for a toss, and you become humble. Isn’t humility one of the most over-hyped virtues? Well, that is the good thing about failing an interview. You suddenly start possessing such virtues.

1. You pay attention to your ‘supposed’ humor blog on WordPress

 

Disclaimer: Kindly note that while I have been repeatedly mentioning that I write these posts from personal experience, I wish to emphasize that the above one is just a piece of fiction and my wild imagination. I mean I would never follow Option numbered 4.

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10 Things I did not tell you at Sunset December 17, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Featured, JAR-gon.
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4 comments

Alright now, we might be moving away a bit from the usual rant that you see on this site. But then I write on this site for myself really, you presence here is purely coincidental. Don’t believe me, read this. This is for you, for I am sending you the link in a mail too. Pity, you are the one of those few non-morons who do not read this site regularly, and I would need to inform you.

Sunset at Juhu Beach

Yes, this is the sunset I am talking about. This is the sunset where I should have spoken a little less. Or a little more. For there were so many things that I never told you.

10. It is really important for me to know that you are happy with me, that you are alone with me. It is really important for me that you tell me you are. No, I can not understand, but you can. Understand my need to be told.

9. I am happy.

8. I never thought that a normal walk along the beach with you could mean finding a way to peace of mind.

7. I never thought that a normal walk along the beach with you could mean developing an attitude to be able to find solutions for my issues. The ones that you know of.

6. I have fallen for you.

5. I did not know that apples could actually taste worth having.

4. I really did not know that it was sunset time, but I am glad it did. For that redness of the sun does something to your face that makes it surreal.

3. I really did not know you had the stamina to walk so much.

2. I really need to pee.

1. I am glad we met before my exams. At least, there was one day worth spending in this trimester.

5 Questions and Answers – Interview Time December 15, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee, Interviewer.
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16 comments

Now, my last post was interested in getting you to start thinking about placements in a positive light or if you can do that, to convince you to part with your wealth in the blog’s name.

 

Considering that the latter did not happen (I would have known, had I made any money over this blog) I am assuming that you have begun viewing the placement in some bright manner, hitherto unknown to mankind.

 

That got me thinking and I thought I have got enough time to spare from my daily activities of sucking dry the professionals at HR departments at Corporate (I am looking out for a job too). Which is exactly why, I should give you some of my time and help you prepare for the interview. It does not matter, if you are an interviewer or an interviewee. I got both questions and answers for you, after all!

 

(Please note that the following Q & A have been created without the knowledge of the job on offer. Thus, the following question list is  without any technical questions that you can ask and there is no question that would really help you judge the ability of the candidate for the job. In short, the following are HR questions.)

Q. 1 : Well, if you are the interviewer, then before going on to the first question, I think it will only be polite for you, to exchange pleasantries with the interviewee. I know that you are on a higher position and this man/woman sitting in front of you is desperate for a job, but none of that means that you stop following basic etiquettes of meeting new people.

 

Now that you have done that:

 

Q. 1. Tell us something about yourself.

A. 1.   I am (insert name) and I am a student of (insert name) college. I cut a sorry figure in my class every time I try to communicate, considering I did my schooling in a pathetic English medium school and that has left a scar on my confidence to last me a lifetime. I went on to complete my ‘plus 2’ (Yeah, we in Mumbai call it ‘JC’) in (insert name) college. It was a great college with a steady supply of weed coming in and those two years got me hooked to some great stuff. I stay at (insert name) with my parents and an older sibling. My father is unemployed and would presently be lying drunk in the house and my mother is a housewife. My big brother is presently working in your organisation.

 

Q.2. (If you decide to go on) Why should we be interested in you? Alternatively, what can you bring to (Insert Name of Organisation)?

A. 2. I have the zing to be creative and would be excited to bend rules in the most creative manner. I possess great flexibility and I believe that there is always some room for improvement. Thus, you can be assured that I will show you no spine and bend over to get the screwing of my life, every time you make a pathetic mistake and plan to blame it on me. The organisation has been in the news recently for all kind of misdeeds and a lot of management has been sacked. I believe that leaves room in the organisation for injection of new blood, and I assure you that in me you will get an able sucker to substitute them.

 

Q. 3. Tell us something about your short term plans and long term plans. Alternatively, where do you see yourself in 2 years time and 5 years time?

A. 3. Well, that vision would well depend on the result of this interview. If you were to not offer this one, then I would still be searching for a job in the next two years and settle for any crap in the next 5 years. However, if I were to continue to keep a positive outlook, then I would like to believe that in the next two years I would manage to fraud this company into believing in my abilities and in the next five, I would manage to fraud this company money-wise, by going up the ranks.

 

Q. 4. Why would you be interested in working with the Organisation? Alternatively, what role do you think would (Insert name of Organisation) play in furthering your career?

A. 4. To begin with, I would have  a career to look forward to, if I get to work with you. I have been searching for a job since sometime now, I haven’t managed anything. In normal circumstances, I would not bother applying with you. However, these are desperate times and beggars can really not be choosers.

Q. 5. Would you live to ask us any questions? (Aah, well!)

A. 5.  Are there any chicks in your organisation that wouldn’t mind having fun with a loser like me?

(If you are a girl) Would I need to do anything else to land this job?

 

Note: The questions that I have noted down for the interviewer in you, have been the general HR questions that I have faced in some previous ones. The answers are some of the ones that the ones that landed the job gave. I plan to try them out, so should you!

Placements – When they don’t happen! December 5, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Placements.
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4 comments

It is that time of the year, when most students passing out of their colleges are tensed and worried. Because, even at this time of the year, they are not placed and do not know what their future holds for them. Some are shitting in their pants, but they are just the 2 year olds, so we wouldn’t bother about them.

So, what do you do when you are not placed? Do you plan elaborate methods to suicide? If yes, how do you go about doing it? Are there any other ways that you can deal with this? How to go about doing any of it? Now, that is what I am there for, to give you ways on how to deal with the trauma of not being placed. Please note, I am talking from experience. I am not placed, as yet!

 

5. Plan elaborate designs to suicide.

Now, most people around the blogging world would tell you, that suicide is the last thing you should be thinking about. But wouldn’t the last thing stay with you the longest? Which is exactly the reason, I am talking about this the first.

Suicides happen everyday. It is not really a big deal. However, it is important to note that suicides need to be carefully planned. It is even more important to frame somebody in your death, for you don’t want it to go waste. Your life has been a waste, you wouldn’t the same to happen with your death.

You could follow the following steps for designing your suicide.

  • Buy a railway ticket from Churchgate to Virar and back.
  • Buy a pack of Bingo Chips and Pepsi 500 ml pack and find yourself a seat in the train. You will need to jump to grab a seat and you can lose your life at that very instant. But isn’t that the point of this list anyways.
  • Write a suicide note while munching on the chips and sipping your drink. It might be a suicide note, but you don’t want to come across as a lousy writer. The chips and the drink would help lift your mood. (Visit the link to find examples of some famous such notes.)
  • Ensure that you have blamed the placement authorities at your college for your suicide.
  • You could then pass on your ticket to me along with the note, and jump of the running train. I need your ticket, and your death would finally come to some use.

4. Decide to become an entrapreneur

This one is not easy. Not at all! You need a lot of things in place for this to happen. And considering that you have not landed a placement for yourself, hard things are not really your thing. However, you could follow the following steps and become one.

  • Steal the idea from somewhere. (Google does not help)
  • Steal the money from somewhere. (Banks are collapsing)
  • Steal the people from somewhere. (Yeah right, you are not going to be any better on the other side of the placement process.)
  • Steal the profits from somewhere. (Not from me!)

Become a Theif

3. Decide to be a Thief

Well, the steps to follow are the same as cited in the previous advice. Then again, aren’t all managers thieves as well?!

2. Decide to pull up your socks and find an opportunity elsewhere.

Well, if you think you are good enough then why wouldn’t any other company want to have with them? The placement team at the college is full of morons, but please realize that they are just facilitators between you and your career. They might think they are Gods, but you know better. Come on now, you would get another job with a company better than what they are pointing out to you.

1. Stop reading this blog

 

Disclaimer: This blog does not support suicides. However, the blog would be very happy to inherit your wealth in case you decide to take your own life.