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Key Board that Abuses August 31, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Technology Rant.
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1 comment so far

(Note: The following post is my entry for “My Demand Contest” on Indiblogger. I am happy with this theme of the contest, as it allows me to dwell upon my childhood dream of becoming a researcher before I bowed in to market demands to take up MBA.

The voting has already begun and I am already late. So, I am counting on you to get me that LaserJet.)

Ever experienced that feeling of disgust when you receive emails that have wrong spellings? Ever experienced the fury when your friends update their status messages with a sequence of hearts and alternately CaPpEd letters. Ever found yourself put off by the wrong grammar that has been put on your friend’s blog?

If you answered a resounding “Yes” to any of the above questions, you might want to read ahead, for what I propose would be to your liking. If you answered a big “No” to all of them, then you are an idiot. If you are one of these friends putting up such emails, posts or status updates, then well it is time I do something about you morons, right?!

So, what is this technology all about?

Technology:

The proposed technology is a keyboard, an peripheral interface for Input to your computer, net-book or IPad, that shouts out messages every time you make a mistake. These messages would be of the form of choicest abuses and the keyboard would refuse to type further, unless you go back and correct the mistake.

Demonstrations:

If you type in a wrong spelling mistake

Why don’t you use a Spell Check when you type in words? It is very evident that you never went to Primary School and never had a chance to learn spellings. You might as well make use of the technology available to you then, and stop being such a fucking moron.

If you type in absurd grammar

Open that Wren & Martin that has been locked inside the cupboard, idiot! Your father bought you that bulky Rs. 600/- book to learn something and not use that as a pillow  in High School. Don’t you realize that reading your crap on screen is a humiliation for others?

If you type in alternating Caps

The Keyboard would simply start banging itself across your head.

Commercial Price:

Rs. 200/- ($3.99)

Commercial Tagline:

An ideal gift to your 28 year old friend, colleague or employee who refuses to learn.

I would still be happy if HP doesn’t wish to give me that LaserJet and instead invest that money in developing such a keyboard. So long as my life is made simple.

Funny Keyboard Pictures

(If you liked the above post and you are an Indiblogger, what stops you from promoting it? If there is something, I wish to know in the comments section.)

Match Fixing is a Dark Art August 30, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant, Humor Rant.
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4 comments

And Pakistan Cricketers seem like a bunch of Slytherins. Very susceptible.

All that has been in the news since it broke out on Saturday night, is the news concerning the alleged spot fixing that involves no less than 7 Pakistani cricketers. Now, wasn’t 7 a magically powerful number? Are they just a bunch of Horcruxes then?

It is not even funny how I am able to compare Cricket, a sport I so dearly love and follow, can be compared to Harry Potter series that have been immortalized by J K Rowling.

Back in 2000, the Dark Arts came out in the public domain like never before, when Hansie Cronje broke down before the Kings Commission and those 3 days changed our world for ever. It has not even been 12 years (Time taken by Voldemort to make a reappearance in the wizard world. Oh come on now, stop whimpering, I am going to say that name aloud.) and match fixing has raised its ugly head once again, this time taking down a bunch of young Pakistani cricketers into its clutches. See, I told you, they were a bunch of Slytherins.

It is not funny that cricket started off from the same place, as HP series, in England. It is not funny that this event came to light at Lords. If Lords does not match up to Hogwarts in terms of sacrosanctness, nothing does.

What we need is Harry Potter to save us from this Dark Art. May be it is time for Daniel Vettori to show his true self.

Vettori Harry Potter Look Alike

Caption Contest – 1 August 27, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Uncategorized.
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2 comments

This is the first in the series of photo posts that will demand your attention and we would demand your captions to the photographs.

Javed Miandad hitting Dennis Lilee

So, what do you think was happening at the time when the above picture was being clicked? What was Javed Miandad doing? What did Dennis say to him? Is the umpire really trying to be a referee here?

Let me know in the comments section. The best comment would be put up along with the photograph in an updated post. And of course, that could bring about immortality for you. If you own a blog, that could mean some hits too.

Why I don’t get into bed with you anymore… August 23, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant.
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5 comments

It is not like I never enjoyed my time with you in bed. It is not like I never got around to appreciate you.

In fact, it is on the contrary.

The times in bed with you made me realise about what I lack. The times in bed with you made me realise what I was never going to be like.

You told me about men that were powerful than I am. You told me about men that were more fulfilling.

You got me to appreciate women that are made of stuff that make dreams. You told me how I was never going to get them.

You introduced me to a world that I knew existed, but had never understood. I know I was never going to be the man, that you always wanted.

It is just not working for me anymore.

No, I am not getting in bed with you anymore. Sorry, Ayn Rand, but I can not go to sleep after reading “Atlas Shrugged”. It makes me mad to see where the world is going.

P.S: The style of writing has been inspired by this post on Rashi’s blog.

Freedom of Press and CWG August 19, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Serious Rant.
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4 comments

When I revived this blog, two days back, I did not wish to make it a place for serious rants. But then I came across this article in today’s Mint and I thought there was something that I would wish to add to that.

It was a matter of luck that I came across this post on Neha’s blog about Freedom of Press and I decided that it was only providence that I talk about this topic now.

Freedom of Press

If you decided to click on the Mint link that I have provided, you would have realised that it is about South African government wishing to establish a regulator to regulate Press in South Africa and corporate players out there have decided to oppose it. The grounds that the corporate players have stated are interesting in my opinion.

The corporate players have gone ahead to state that the step to regulate press in South Africa would undo the good publicity that South Africa recieved during the FIFA World Cup 2010. SA is being seen as a rising democracy today which is past its apartheid days  and democracies do not decide to curb press work. As a democracy, where every player has got the right to say something, SA becomes an attractive destination for foreign investments. Curbing of the freedom of press will be “seen” as a negative action for a democracy.

What this tells us is that mere impressions tend to decide the fate of democracies, for it is after Fifa World Cup 2010 and huge events like Cricket World Cups and IPL, that SA has become an attractive place.

In India, we have the Common Wealth Games coming up in some time this October. And the work has been lagging behind, it seems. All forms of media have been slamming this lethargic attitude by the authorities and may be, rightly so. But the point that I am trying to make is – Why not wait till the CWG gets over and then slam it, if it is worthy enough for that? Now is the time to stand together and project a view which proclaims the Indian readiness and eagerness to host the games, isn’t it?

Of course, you could argue about freedom of press and tell me that I am an idiot to talk about it in the first part and forget it in the second one. But that simply warrants the defintion of “Freedom of Press”.

Indian Constitution says the following about Freedom of Press. (Note: This is a direct pick from Neha’s Blog):

Freedom of the Press has not been expressly provided for in the Constitution, but is implicit in the Fundamental Right pertaining to the Freedom of Speech and Expression guaranteed to the citizens under article 19 (1) (a) of the Constitution of India. The term “Freedom of Speech and Expression”, includes the liberty to propagate not only one’s views but also the right to print matters which have been borrowed from someone else or are printed under the direction of that person and also includes the liberty of publication and circulation. Every right carries with it a responsibility. Likewise, every freedom carries with it an obligation. It is primarily for the Press itself to determine what are its corresponding responsibilities and obligations.

Responsibilities and Obligations. I rest my case.

5 Reasons to go for an Interview – For the Interviewee August 18, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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9 comments

Interviews can be a bitch. If you have ever been for one, you would know that the best thing to do at an interview is skip it. The interviewer generally believes that he/she is at no loss, and you are generally sweating under your collar. Unless, you are a blogger, when giving loads of crap to non questions comes easily to you, like second nature.

So, why am I still asking you to go for an interview? Why am I putting up 5 reasons for you, to attend an interview?

Reason 1: Good Reason to buy a decent pair of formals, a tie or scarf. Who doesn’t want a good enough reason to shop, a legitimate one at that?

Reason 2: Interviews are good place to find out the limits of human endurance. Either you will break with the questions or the interviewee will break down with your answers. Any ways, it is a good way to test humanity. You can promote your Art of Living classes to the interviewer, if you win.

Reason 3: If your interview is on a Monday afternoon. The interviewer would be facing ‘Monday Blues’. You could go ahead and sing Blues for him/her and practice your gigs with out the need of a Jamming Place!

Blues for Interview

Reason 4: If you are an executive established at one of the top companies, than going for interviews may actually be healing for you. Top level executives are generally overworked by acting fools all the time, and every one knows that. Going for an interview would allow them to show their smart selves once again. That could be an act, but at least would break the monotony.

Reason 5: You might want the job, after the interview. And the interview is the only way to get that job!

Interviews are a fun thing and you shouldn’t be scared attending them really. I am going to give you many more reasons and help with regards to an interview. It doesn’t matter, if you are interviewee or an interviewer, I would try to help you all. And again, I would wish to do with my brand of humor.

Getting a Makeover! About anything and everything! August 17, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Featured.
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If you ever visited this blog in the past, you know how it was. At one point, I was writing for quite a few websites, each dedicated to a certain niche, and this blog was simply to direct traffic to those blogs, using WordPress’ SEO back-end. Yeah, I can be smart at times.

But on attending the IndiBlogger Mumbai Meet, I realized the importance of managing a blog that talks about anything and everything. And hence, the blog has decided to undergo a makeover. This place is soon to become my place to rant, and your place to enjoy voyeuristic pleasures. Why would you, that I do not know.

And this theme is kick – ass. There is so much I can do with this. (Please note: This is the real reason for the makeover. This theme did not go with the theme of the blog, that this used to be previously.)

So, moving on to everything and anything in life!