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What are the English gloating about? July 25, 2013

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant, Humor Rant.
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No seriously, what are they gloating about?

That they have a new prince? That they have won in rugby? That they have  a Brit Wimbledon champ after so long? That they have the Aussies on the mat in The Ashes?

You would read all the questions listed above and if you are an Englishman, respond with a resounding “Yeah!” So for the Englishmen, this is my response.

    1. You have  a new prince, in prince George Louis. Well, good for the namesake royalty. But really, is that really worth gloating about? That the father of the child had the balls to father a child? I belong to a country of over 120 cr. in population. Seriously, birthing a child is no big deal for us Indians, we bring a new life in this world almost every second.
    2. Rugby. Well, really who cares about that sport in India. Sachin Tendulkar doesn’t play rugby.
    3. Brit Wimbledon champ. Well, for one, it is just one of the Slams held every year and it shows the lack of depth in the English tennis lines that you did not have a champ in a slam held in your country for so many years. And for second, weren’t we reminded every year of Andy Murray’s Scottish background until this one? Suddenly, he is all Brit?
    4. The Ashes. Australia have lost only 2 of the first 2 tests in the 5 test match series and boy, they have every chance in hell to make a fightback happen and win the Ashes urn this time around. Well, may not every chance in hell, but a mathematical / statistical chance nevertheless. So why don’t you first ensure that the series is indeed won and the urn is locked in your cupboards for the next 15 4 months.

No seriously, what are they gloating about?

3 Changes in Life – Or Why my mum is a worried woman July 13, 2013

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Featured, Humor Rant, JAR-gon.
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You need a certain amount of passion, a good laptop and a lot of time to maintain a blog regularly and post every now and then. But then, I don’t have all of that. Definitely not a good laptop (Rajesh from IT, sun raha hai na tu, ro raha hun mein!). But then, I read @ofnosurnamefame and I was so floored by it, that I decided that I should be back on this page and write something.

So what has changed for me in the last 11 months? Now, that I put it up here, I realize how much I have missed writing. And while this is not an attempt to write the best comeback post, it is only an attempt to get my mojo flowing again. Yeah baby, I just wanted to use an Austin Powers, and look I have used three. Two, you point out? Oh baby, Behave!

So what has changed for me in the last 11 months?

  1. Well, for one, I didn’t write on this page. I attempted to revive All Padded Up,with a bunch of friends and all of the king’s men couldn’t put up Humpty Dumpty together again.

  2. Friends have moved on with their lives. Trying to find better jobs, better opportunities, to study or simply on their way. My job, you ask, well it couldn’t have been better. Well, it could be. It could be paying more, giving more time off, but then to tell you the truth, I love every bit of it and I wouldn’t want to exchange it for anything.

  3. Fell in love. Crazy about that somebody and excited about the possibilities that this relationship might bring. My mum is sensing changes (improvements as most women in my life would want to term it – women = mum and her) and she is worried as to what is making these changes happen. I think I will let her be worried a little more.

Well, frankly, that’s all that is to me. What about you? Let me know. Or not. I am just trying to get my mojo back, yeah baby, behave!

5 ways to wish Happy Teachers Day September 5, 2012

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant.
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Yes, it has been some time since you last saw me here. And to avoid giggles, I will not be saying that you would be seeing a lot of me in coming future. I got a job that I love, and I might as well be faithful to it. Or not so much, like you care!

So, it is that time of the year when you get cringe about that black blazer you borrowed from your dad to wear (some 8 years ago) and look utterly disdainful while you troubled younger kids in school as they very well deserved. (My English teacher is surely going to cringe on the length of that sentence. Sorry, miss!)

I liked my teachers, even respected them. Not in the years of school and college, but surely after that. But then, this blog is not about being emotional, it is about being stupid. So here I present, 5 ways to wish your teacher on  Teachers Day!

5. Get them a bottle of Teachers, the finest. (This was expected to make an appearance, wasn’t it? So let me get it out of the way first)

4. Be of the opposite gender to the teacher. Get a sex change, if needed and while you are at it, you might want to touch up your face. Not sure about the teacher, but that would help me a great deal. Wear low collared tees, if you are now becoming a woman. Again, would help me a great deal.

3. Suck up. Now, you do this at your jobs and you have been trained for this. You have been molded into this form, as only experience can and you might as well use it. Remember that one mark she refused to increase in your math test, taking you from 18/20 to 19/20? Find out, if you have gotten better at begging now.

2. Brag. No, not in the manner which you usually do. Give them the due credit which they deserve to help you reach where you are today, insisting that you were always awesome but they were decently good too. If you think you are in a bad place, don’t smash their faces for this. You might use that “chewing gum near her head rest” trick. Remember?

1. Pick up a phone or search them on FB. Flood their wall posts with wishes and get your friends to like their page. They have been awesome to you, no matter how partial you felt she was. She has had a great role to play in your life, till date.

(P. S. – To all my dear teachers who have made me who I am – Thanks a bunch, will always love your love)

That Ian Bell Run Out! August 1, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant.
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I had decided that I wasn’t going to write on cricket here. Something on the lines of a retirement from writing on cricket or as some would say I was banned from it. But like a Pakistani cricketer, I have decided to come out of retirement for this issue of a freak run out makes me want to add my two cents to this issue! (Yeah, that two cents is a part of a homage to one of my favorite writer.)

 

Ian Bell was clearly out there, wasn’t he? He was out of his crease when the bails were taken off, the ball was still in play and Morgan knew about it. Hell, the umpires gave him out and I am sure they know the rules and hence the dismissal must have been within the rules of the game.

 

What for me isn’t within the rules of the game, and not even in the ill cited and often chided “Spirit of the Game”, was the way Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower walked up to MS Dhoni and Duncan Fletcher asking for reconsideration to the appeal. I am not sure what transpired within those walls, but I think that surely was disrespect to the game. The umpires are there for a job, they did their job and the captain and coach of the English team felt they were not good enough at it. They decided that it was necessary for them to walk up to the opposition captain because the umpire out there was a fool who gave Bell the dismissal. Well, that is at least how I read it.

 

The papers have been going on and on about the overturning the Bell dismissal and how ICC has appreciated Dhoni on his upholding the spirit of the game. Dear ICC, what about upholding the rules of the game?

 

The dismissal was within the rules of the game. So why over turn it? Because the opposition team decides it is time for good gestures and because they wouldn’t have felt great about being in Bell’s position. Frankly, had an Indian player decided to leave his crease when the ball was still in play, it should mean that he was stupid and sloppy enough to lead himself to a lazy dismissal after 137 runs.

 

Considering that ICC rules that fine players are applicable to only Indian (and SL and Pak) players, I would ask ICC to fine MSD for showing dissent to the umpire by asking an umpire’s decision to be overturned there! Such behaviour from MSD should not be tolerated. Today, he has decided to over turn Bell’s dismissal, tomorrow he is going to ask for only more. We can not let this bloody rich Indian cpatains and boys over turn an umpire’s call. Strauss and Flower are only fools, the real culprit is this rich Indian village boy, trying to rule this game under the cloak of its  “Spirit”.

 

Dear ICC, ban MSD for a match.

Of Baba and Anna – A Story of Fast Blackmails! June 19, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Serious Rant.
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Now, they were protesting for different reasons and their following (on twitter, at the very least) was different, but their means to blackmail a government which is immune to all people’s suffering was the same. The Indefinite Fast.

There are people in India who go hungry for weeks on end. Not because of choice, not because they are protesting against any government body, but simply because they have no food to eat. The number of malnourished children in India is higher than in Sub – Saharan Africa and if that isn’t telling you anything, than may be some figures would – One in Every Three Malnourished Children in the World is in India. More than 46% of children in India below the age of three are too small for their age. And mind you, this isn’t  a statistic of shining India. It is a statistic of government apathy towards a country that has shown every zeal to progress.

So, what is it about the Babas and Annas of this country, whose indefinite fasts wake up the government, while years of malnourished children do not have the same effect?

The Babas and Annas of this country are good at blackmailing the government. I hope while reading this piece, you are not under any illusion that I support the government. My statements on government apathy above, I hope, have cleared any such illusions.

The Babas and Annas are followed by millions of morons in this country. If you were to open your timelines on Twitter on the morning after the Baba was arrested, or the day Anna went on his fast, you would get an inkling of what I am talking about. And when I say twitter, I am talking about very few, privileged and educated portion of the society and country we live in. And if these the Babas and Annas have the effect on these few, imagine the impact they have on the herd conscious, seldom educated, poor of this country!

This is why the Government wakes up when these well fed, well nourished Babas and Annas go on Fasts. Because they are millions of morons following their histronics. This is why the Government does not wake up to Malnourishment in India, because there is not even one to report on their  plight.

The fault is ours, and ours alone. We give in to blackmail and we forget to look at the light. And this light, at the end of the tunnel is not of a bright future, but of a train running at full speed coming towards us to crush us of all senses, of all future!

5 Reasons why Hillary Clinton gasped in horror on Osama’s Death May 9, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant.
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Hillary Clinton’s reaction on hearing news of Osama’s Death has created quite a furore. Of course, we make this judgement based on the number of hits, her reaction generates on Google, because that is how we measure news these days.

So, why did she? Why did she react in the following manner?

As has been  my wont, I will list down 5 reasons on why.

5. Is he really dead? That is sad to hear. I wanted to be his next trophy wife. Why Seals, why did you do it?

4. I wanted to hear the truth. But I can’t handle the truth. Yes, Kaffee, he was right.

3. No Bill, I am not going to take that in my mouth. You could get Monica to do that. You can get ‘n’ number of girls to do that for you. But I am not doing it.

2. How in the world are we going to sustain Pakistan now? That failed state, it needs our taxpayers’ money to sustain life there!

1. OMG! So, it is true. These niggas do have big ones. And come to think of it, I tried to contest against this man for the presidency. Had I only known then!

 

(Disclaimer: Work of Fiction. Do not attach any hatred or political motivation to this post, if you are not a moron)

Osama found Dead – For Sachin May 2, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Cricket Rant, Humor Rant, Serious Rant.
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On Sunday, May 1, Osama Bin Laden was found dead in the evening. At least, that is what the reports coming in have confirmed. It is noteworthy that President Obama thanked Sachin Tendulkar in his speech while reporting the death to US of America.

Barack Obama delivers speech on Dead Osama

[Link unavailable] [Excerpts from Speech]

“We did it for Sachin. Just like the Indian team won the World Cup for him, we killed Osama Bin Laden for Sachin. Yes, we can!”

“It is a proud moment for all of us. We have finally managed to do something for Sachin. He has carried the burden of a billion living people on his shoulder. Now, it was time for us to stop carrying burden of killing a billion people and carrying them on our shoulders. The one man that made us to do that, we have killed him. No, not Sachin, I meant Osama there in the last sentence.”

“Osama was found dead in Pakistan. It is imperative to note that India have agreed in principle to tour that terror torn nation. And Sachin would be a part of that touring party.”

“We could not let Sachin go through the terror of playing in a country which hosted Osama. As we can not exert any force on BCCI and their decision making in cricket, hell nobody can, we decided to do the next best thing. We removed the threat. We killed Osama.”

“Yes, We Can. Yes, We Did. We Killed Osama. For Sachin”

The world has now taken a collective sigh of relief. All, they have managed to say is

Thank You Sachin

(Disclaimer: The words in the post above are completely my own and any occurrence of the said words by Barack himself, would be an infringement on copyright. That is, Barack never said it before me.)

5 Guaranteed Ways to Perform Well – For an Interviewee January 16, 2011

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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If you are going for an interview or have been to one, you know the anxiety that one suffers from. The anxiety to know if one has performed well or not. Or the anxiety to know the guaranteed ways by which one will make the right impressions or not.

I know that anxiety. Well, I have been to quite a few interviews in my lifetime. Yeah, I know, you could ask me how many interviews would a 22 year old really have given in his ‘lifetime’. Well, I think it would suffice to say that I have been to interviews for everything, even for getting a girlfriend. Well, those blind dating sites get you to fill a questionnaire.

That is the reason I have got you 5 ways to make a guaranteed good impression and perform well in an interview. (If you have already given one, put a check mark against the ways that you have used. Any score of above 3, means the result is on your favor.)

5. Suck up to the maximum. “I am desperate for a job.” “Since, I was 3, I used to dream to work for your company, never mind the fact that I used to shit in my pants. On second thoughts, you would want me to still shit in my pants” are statements that could work wonders for your interview. Ensure that when you are sucking up to the interviewer, it is obvious to him / her. They might just be idiots, they don’t know it, and they would not even understand that you are sucking up to them.

4. Use figures. Mug them up, or make them up. Or a mix of both. “There is going to be a demand of 24 million homes, by… ahem…. 2014”

3. Decide if you want to come across as a rich son of a bitch or a poor son of a beggar. Any thing in between is a no-no. They should either want to marry you or pity you. Well, it is actually the same. Getting people to marry you is easier then getting their pity, so you should have made up your mind on this one.

2. Use names of the interviewer’s daughter, son or spouse in the conversation. Remember, to name their schools and social circles too. The man / lady should know that you have researched a fair bit on them. Of course, you could hint that you could pick up their kids from school, even without their permission.

1. If it is a lady taking the interview, stare at the horizon, where her body meets the table. chest. If it is a man, look under the table. Never mind, if you are  a boy or girl. The important thing for them to know is that you would appreciate a boss, no matter what!

staring at interviewer

 

You would do well, to use my advice or use it as a check list. Well, I should know. I recently (and finally) got placed!

5 Changes in Life – Post a Failed Interview December 26, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Humor Rant, Interviewee.
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Once your interview is done with, you might want to heave a sigh of relief. After all, aren’t those 5 questions and answers all that has got to do with an interview?

Why Does one fail an Interview
Sadly, that is not the truth. If you were to succeed in the interview, that is, land a job, your life has practically ended and there is nothing much that any of us could do to revive it.

 

However, if you are one of the few lucky ones, who failed the interview then there is something that you can look forward to. And those are the changes in your life post a failed a interview. As has been my wont, I will list down 5.

 

5. Everybody is sympathetic with you. You will regularly get words like “Don’t worry. It will work out. It always does.” from your family members and friends. Now, they mean it. And they care for you. It is just that they now get a chance to express it. But how should you react to that? Well, if you had any self – respect, you would feel pathetic. Alas, that is not the case and we both know it. So, you can bask in the sympathy – post a failed interview.

4. You start looking for more jobs through your friends and on the internet. It is a definite ‘move on’ from searching for porn sites on the internet to searching for company websites. And it is probably a good move on.

3. Facebook takes a back seat and LinkedIn becomes of paramount importance.

2. Your attitude goes for a toss, and you become humble. Isn’t humility one of the most over-hyped virtues? Well, that is the good thing about failing an interview. You suddenly start possessing such virtues.

1. You pay attention to your ‘supposed’ humor blog on WordPress

 

Disclaimer: Kindly note that while I have been repeatedly mentioning that I write these posts from personal experience, I wish to emphasize that the above one is just a piece of fiction and my wild imagination. I mean I would never follow Option numbered 4.

10 Things I did not tell you at Sunset December 17, 2010

Posted by Ankit Poddar in Featured, JAR-gon.
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Alright now, we might be moving away a bit from the usual rant that you see on this site. But then I write on this site for myself really, you presence here is purely coincidental. Don’t believe me, read this. This is for you, for I am sending you the link in a mail too. Pity, you are the one of those few non-morons who do not read this site regularly, and I would need to inform you.

Sunset at Juhu Beach

Yes, this is the sunset I am talking about. This is the sunset where I should have spoken a little less. Or a little more. For there were so many things that I never told you.

10. It is really important for me to know that you are happy with me, that you are alone with me. It is really important for me that you tell me you are. No, I can not understand, but you can. Understand my need to be told.

9. I am happy.

8. I never thought that a normal walk along the beach with you could mean finding a way to peace of mind.

7. I never thought that a normal walk along the beach with you could mean developing an attitude to be able to find solutions for my issues. The ones that you know of.

6. I have fallen for you.

5. I did not know that apples could actually taste worth having.

4. I really did not know that it was sunset time, but I am glad it did. For that redness of the sun does something to your face that makes it surreal.

3. I really did not know you had the stamina to walk so much.

2. I really need to pee.

1. I am glad we met before my exams. At least, there was one day worth spending in this trimester.